The Road to Parenthood

Update: One Bank Gets It - Wells Fargo

2012-01-19T14:23:00.000-08:00

After running into roadblock after roadblock on trying refinance our home in the post 2010 IRS tax publication 555 ruling, my mortgage broker finally came back with good news. It turns out Wells Fargo is much more progressive than other banks, and one alternative we have to refinance our house. It's sad because I've already spent close to $1,000 on refinance costs with another bank that I won't recoup if we have to switch banks to complete our refinance.

But here's the good news, in a letter Wells Fargo sent out to their loan agents:

The IRS mandated effective with 2010 1040 returns that registered domestic partners must each report half the combined community income earned by the partners.

If you have a W2 wage earner borrower and the his/her domestic partner is not on the subject loan in order to use all of the W2 wages the borrower earned then the following documentation is required.

· Borrower’s 2010 1040 that supports 50% of W2 wages claimed and notation on the 1040 domestic partner claimed other 50% wages (If borrower has filed 2011, which I would be surprised as of this date, should include those along with the 2010).

· Operations will need to obtain the W2 from the IRS using the 4506-t in order to validate matches the W2 statement provided by the borrower.

· Operations still obtains the tax transcript and that should always match the 1040 (no difference in process with this step).

At least one bank gets it.

The Effect of Publication 555 from the IRS

2012-01-18T11:12:00.000-08:00

The right wing often claims that gays get equal rights with laws around domestic partnership and civil unions, and they don't need marriage for equality. I've been battling a side effect of domestic partnership and civil unions laws which are supposed to take the place of being able to get married, and provide me with equal protection. But unfortunately of course they don't.

In particular the problem I'm facing is a side effect of Publication 555 from the IRS which I've written about before. I'm trying to refinance our primary home this month to take advantage of the low interest rates. But I'm running into an issue because of the way our 2010 tax returns look due to Publication 555 from the IRS. While its intent was good, in trying to make taxes look similar to what married couples have to do, it had the by-product of also making my income "look" smaller, essentially disqualifying me for a refinance. Married couples don't have this issue because they get to file their taxes using the category "married filing separately", a category that domestic partners aren't allowed to use.

It's an additional problem for us because we have our home titled in a trust. We do it this way because it's the only way to reduce the tax consequence of passing on a home if one of us should pass away. But due to marriage laws, only one of us is allowed to be named on the trust, unlike married couples where both parties can be on a living trust. So for us, I'm on the trust, and my domestic partner is the beneficiary. This way if I die first, my partner gets the property and the tax savings, and if he passes away first, then nothing changes and beneficiary of the trust becomes our daughter. But using a trust means the mortgage and property are only titled in my name rather than both of us. So doing a refinance in both our names to alleviate the 2010 reduced income tax return issue isn't really an option either.

Basically you're screwed financially if you can't get married, at least in trying to reduce your interest rate in a refi, and trying to get lower taxes on inheritance through a trust. Gay people can't have it both ways, while married people can.

The Worst Parent Ever

2011-05-26T11:47:00.000-07:00

Sometimes, after reading posts to forums and articles on parenting, I can't help but wonder, "Am I the worst parent ever?". Let me give you some context. As I said in the previous blog post, we're concerned with the type of education our daughter is going to get going to a public school that has only mediocre ratings. So I spend some of my free time looking at real estate, and some time on real estate blogs. What amazes me about these blogs is the prevalence of posts talking about buying a home for the good school district. And in the Bay Area, where I live, how really you can only buy a home in Palo Alto, Los Altos, or Cupertino if you want a good school.

As you might have guessed, we don't live in any of those cities, nor is buying a home in any of those school districts on our short or long range plans. And so that's where the "worst parent ever" comes from. Sometimes I feel like I'm the only parent not scheming or trying to figure out a way to get my child in a Cupertino or Palo Alto school. And all those posts make it seem like some how I'm depriving my child by not sending her to one of these top tier schools.

That's when I have to remind myself, I went to a mediocre school, and I've had more successes in my life than most people I know, and that the school certainly didn't place any limitations on my achievements or my ability to succeed. But it's hard to keep that point of view in an overwhelming flood of opinion in the opposite direction.

Finding The Right School

2011-04-01T09:54:00.001-07:00

I always thought I'd be the type of parent that didn't care about what school my child attended, because we'd (the parents) be the ones that influenced our child and made sure she got the most out of school and learned everything she needed to, so we could make up for any deficit the school might have. This was especially true since I went to a so-so public school, and still managed to graduate near the top of my class, and go to a top notch college.

But reality is never as easy as what we idealize. For our daughter, we thought we'd send her to public school for kindergarten. But then California budget cuts struck, and the idea of sending our daughter to a school where the child to teacher ratio was 33 to 1 just didn't seem like a good idea, when just the year before it was only 20 to 1. So our daughter has spent her kindergarten year in a private elementary school. While we love the school, we don't love the cost of the tuition, and I really don't see us being able to sustain this through the rest of her academic years.

So in January we started looking at public schools and other alternatives again. With our severe disappointment in our home school (who failed to return any calls to us last year), I started looking into the open enrollment process, where you can apply for any school in the district. There were two obvious choices, the lottery schools which were top ranked, and in fact one is the top ranked elementary in the state of California. But we decided that one is way too competitive, and we didn't want our daughter growing up amidst that much competition to succeed. The other lottery school requires parent participation, 4 hours in the classroom during the work week.

So we started looking at the other elementary schools in the district that are close to our home. We found one that's relatively close, is smaller than typical, and still has 20 to 1 child to teacher ratios in 1st to 3rd grade. While its scores aren't the best, they are better than our home school, so we decided to target getting into this elementary school.

Last week, we got our acceptance letter, so it appears we've found a public elementary school for our daughter. But it's been a lot more work than I ever expected, and even then I'm still worried about the quality of the education she's going to receive. It's a surprise to me how much this matters to me, after I was so convinced it wouldn't make a difference.

Getting It Wrong, When You're Right

2011-03-14T14:47:00.000-07:00

The IRS did a good thing, when it decided to update Publication 555 that I talked about in my previous blog post. It meant another government institution was recognizing gay marriage, or at least registered domestic partnerships. The bad part about this is how late in the game they did this. The final update to this document came out on March 9, just a little over a month to go before the filing deadline of April 15, 2011.

The bad news for those of us in RDPs or same sex marriages is that many of us were waiting for this update to do our taxes, some because Intuit, maker of TurboTax asked us to because they were going to produce an update to TurboTax that would help us get our taxes done.

March 10, 2011 was the promised date of the TurboTax update. The R13 patch to TurboTax was released on March 9, 2011, a day early, claiming support for IRS publication 555. But in reality there wasn't any support, and an article on their support site pretty much told couples with investment income and rental property, they were out of luck with regards to TurboTax (after asking us to wait until March 10).

So TurboTax, has decided to leave us with no good options for getting our taxes done. It's too late to find a tax professional, as all of them will be booked, so the only alternative is to either hunker down and try to figure this out ourselves and do our taxes using pen and paper the old fashioned way, or file an extension and hope we can find a good professional to help us after the 15th of April.

IRS Publication 555

2011-01-14T12:20:00.000-08:00

For those of you that might not yet have heard the news, the IRS has chosen to recognize domestic partnerships in the states that have legalized them and have community property laws, like the state of California where we live. They've also made their decision retroactive to 2007. For most people, this may not affect their taxes at all for the years 2007 to the present, but for some small group of people who are registered domestic partners, live in a community property state, and have disparate incomes between the two individuals in the partnership, this new ruling from the IRS may actually have a huge benefit.

The technical information can be found in the IRS publication 555. If you're using an automated program to do your taxes (like I am with Turbo Tax), you may have to wait to update your taxes. Specifically TurboTax claims the IRS is going to issue an update to 555, and they will issue their update after the new update from the IRS is published.

So what's the big benefit in 555? It allows you to allocate community property between the two partners on the tax return. For example wages is one form of income that can be split between partners. Let's take an imaginary couple, one that makes $10,000 a year and one that makes $100,000 is W-2 wages. Under the new ruling, each member of the partnership can record $55,000 in wages, equally splitting their incomes (and hopefully reducing the overall tax liability). That's good news for couples like ours. For now, I'm going to hold on and see what happens in this latest IRS update, and if TurboTax makes it easier to amend our returns. But if this affects you, you might want to talk to an accountant and see if you have any benefits from this ruling.

Disclaimer: I'm not an accountant, and you should verify all details with the IRS and your own accountant.

The California Political Landscape

2010-09-22T10:54:00.001-07:00

It's only September and I'm already beginning to get worried about the coming elections in November. As a gay man and a parent, I guess my family has special concerns about who is elected. We need to make sure our family remains protected and nothing harms our little girl. What I find incredible about the elections in California this fall are two Bay Area candidates, Meg Whitman and Carly Fiorina. Both have run Bay Area high tech companies, so you'd think they'd understand the need to be fair and equal; especially when it comes to the rights of LGBT citizens, given how many of them work and live in the Bay Area.

What's scary is both of them have such solidly anti-LGBT policies and stance. Both are against equality for marriage, which means they are against families like mine. As I've written in the past, my partner and I got married in California in the summer it was legal. Our daughter took part in our ceremony, and she still tells people we got married as a family. Anything that would make her think we can't be married would be devastating to her, and that's just what Meg Whitman and Carly Fiorina want.

That's why even though both these candidates may appear to be ideal because of their Bay Area background, their attempts to look mainstream are more scary than ever, as most mainstream citizens aren't going to realize how right-wing some of their views are. So I urge you, if you're reading this to *NOT* vote for Meg Whitman or Carly Fiorina. Instead vote for Jerry Brown and Barbara Boxer, both of whom support equality and would protect our family.

Still a Miracle

2010-04-23T22:56:00.000-07:00

We do something every evening we probably need to get out of the habit of doing fairly soon. We let Lauren fall asleep in our bed and then move her to her own bed. I indulge her and by indulging her, I get to indulge myself. I let her sleep for a few hours while I check email, do some last minute clean up before bed. Then I walk into our bedroom, pick her up and move her to her own bed. Looking at her sleeping in my arms, is perhaps the best moment of the day. She looks perfect, I can see part of me in her, and I can see that's she's her own person. For that moment in time, I'm just carrying a small miracle. She's absolutely beautiful, at peace, and completely serene. I just think about how lucky I am to have her, and wonder how I had a life before her.

I see lately on TV a lot of shows that have somehow found gay parents as the topic du jour, but every show deals with how difficult it is is for gay couples to become parents and all the trials and tribulations they go through. In that respect I guess we were extremely lucky when we decided to have our daughter. While it was a significant drain on finances, everything we went through went incredibly smoothly. We didn't have a single problem or hiccup in our journey to become parents and for that I suppose I should be thankful.

Being who you are

2010-03-12T10:17:00.000-08:00

Lauren's in Junior Kindergarten now, and one of the benefits of being in that slightly older group (4 1/2 year olds to 5 year olds) is that they get to go on a lot of field trips. Just yesterday they took a field trip to the library, and recently they had a field trip to the planetarium. Lauren loves to go on field trips, and she keeps asking when I'm going to go on a field trip with her.

It's not that I don't want to go, in fact for her very first field trip to a pumpkin farm, I had signed up to go as a chaperone, but that trip got canceled after a major rain storm caused major puddles and flooding on the farm. I've tried to find time to chaperone another field trip, but with my change in job title recently (this past November), I'm finding myself committed to more meetings in the office than ever before, so it's hard to find a date that coincides with a field trip where I'm available. But I know this age isn't going to last forever, so I'm just going to have to cancel a few meetings and go on the next field trip (or the one after that).

For as long as I remember, people have come up to us and told us how beautiful Lauren is, or how pretty she is. It's gotten to the point if you ask Lauren, "Are you pretty?", or "Do you know you're beautiful?", she'll get a very weary and knowing look on her face, sigh and reply back, "I know I am". If you ask her why she's beautiful, she'll usually say something like, "It's because I have long hair". She's very attached to her long hair, and while it's a part of her I don't necessarily agree that it's what makes her beautiful. She refuses to let us cut her hair still, and she prefers to wear it long.

But recently she's let on to a little secret. Every once in a while, she'll ask me "why don't I have yellow hair?", or "I want yellow hair". I don't know why, but something in our society makes being blonde too much of an attraction. Even though I've told Lauren I love her dark hair, and it's the most beautiful thing I've ever seen since she was a baby (not to mention everyone else telling her how beautiful she is), somehow she still feels it's not enough and she needs blonde hair. I just hope all my reinforcement of how wonderful her own hair is, will make her realize she's special just the way she is.

Honor Thy Parents

2009-12-04T22:21:00.000-08:00

Being the child of immigrants who came to the US when I was only 2 years old, I've always had strong ties to the country I was born in, Taiwan. When we had our daughter, I always knew I wanted her to have the same strong ties, even if only half her heritage comes from Taiwan. Ever since Lauren was born, my mother and I talked about taking a trip to Taiwan together, partly to show Lauren her roots, and partly to to show off my new progeny to my extended family. We even planned an entire trip, but my mom's cancer took a turn for the worse just before we had to leave. As it turned out the trip never happened, and my mom passed away when Lauren was only 3 and half. When I lost my mom, I told myself, I was going to make the trip to Taiwan with Lauren for my mom, for Lauren and for myself.

The opportunity finally presented itself over this past Thanksgiving break. I was able to find discount airfare, a decent hotel, and able to take the time off from work. I planned a short trip, only a week, to keep costs down, and to not be a burden on too many relatives for too long when we were in Taiwan. The last time I had been to Taiwan was before Lauren was born, so it's been a little while since I had seen many of my relatives. I knew many of them were getting on in age, and that was another reason to go. But to my surprise, everyone looked good, their health seemed to be pretty good, and I was able to catch up with and see everyone that I wanted to.

Lauren had a good time, as one of my aunts made sure that our days were filled with activities that would keep her occupied and interested. I think I met my goal of making her interested in her heritage and country of ancestry. The trip was a wonderful experience full of love, warmth and family. I'm sorry my mom missed it, but I know she'd be happy we went.

The End of an Era

2009-10-26T10:42:00.000-07:00

Today, Geocities will be closing down for good. It's a sad day because I associate Geocities with the start of the Internet for the public. It was really the first place where people hosted their own websites. Started in 1994, I think I had an account sometime in 1995, and hosted my own web page there. It was a convenient place to store files in the Internet, and in the early days of online dating it was an easy place to point people to, in order to find a picture of yours truly.

Fast forward to the present, and if you were lucky enough to check out my Geocities page today before it goes offline, you'd see I haven't updated the page since 2005. It still shows the house were were living in, when Lauren was born, and of course we've moved twice since then. So in some sense Geocities didn't keep up with me either, as I moved on to blogging, and blogging turned out to be an easier way to keep people up to date on our activities than maintaining an entire website. Kodak Gallery and other photo sites made it easier to post pictures.

All I can say is Rest In Peace Geocities.

Prop 8 Stands, But We're Still Married...

2009-05-26T11:03:00.000-07:00

The California State Supreme Court ruled this morning that Prop 8 (the voter approved initiative that banned gay marriage) would stand, but that the 18,000+ couples that got married before the initiative took effect would stay married. While this news is disappointing, it's at least a relief to our family, that I'm spared explaining to our almost 4 year old daughter why a court could take away our marriage.

This morning while we were getting ready for school, Lauren was listening to her Story Reader, which was reading a Disney Princess book to her. While she was listening, I asked her if she wanted to get married when she was bigger, like the princess in the story. Her response was "We already got married, I don't need to get married again". Yes, we told her we were getting married, and she was a large part of our wedding, so she considers our family "married". I'll wait till she's older before I explain the distinction to her. For now, I'm content that we're still a family and we're still "married".

Taxable Fringe Benefit

2009-05-20T13:27:00.000-07:00

Most people aren't aware of this, so I thought I'd do a little write up on one of the issues that same-sex partners face with regards to health care. I work in California for a public company, which means they have to provide families like mine with the option of buying health insurance for the whole family. That means like other married opposite sex partner families, I can buy health insurance for my partner and for our daughter. California has rights for same-sex couples to make this possible.

The issue comes about because the federal government doesn't recognize same-sex partners. Because of this, when a company, like mine, contributes towards the payment of health insurance to cover my partner, it becomes a taxable fringe benefit. It gets even worse if we decide to cover my daughter under the same policy. Why is that? Her coverage no longer gets considered in the taxable fringe benefit scenario.

Let me explain this with an example. Say my company pays $300 per month for my health insurance. For me to add my daughter, the company would then pay $500 for what's called a family plan. Because she's my daughter, there's no taxable fringe benefit involved (as both the federal and state governments recognize your child as yours). But if I were to add my husband, the company would still pay $500 per month, as there's no difference between covering 1 family member or many. But the effect on my taxes is significant. The entire amount between $500 and $300 (the $200 difference) is computed as a taxable fringe benefit on my paystub. There's no allowance for the fact my daughter is also paid under this difference. What's the actual impact to the bottom line? The extra $200 shows up as extra pay, so my gross income goes up by the $200 per month, increasing the amount I owe in taxes.

Because of this discrepancy we've chosen for me to cover just my daughter and myself under my health plan, and for my husband to pay for his own because the taxable fringe benefit actually costs us more in taxes than it would for him to buy his own insurance. This is added cost over what any opposite sex partner family would have to pay for their health insurance.

If that's not enough, it gets even worse. My company uses a system called ClearBenefits, which works with ADP, a national payroll processing company. The two companies together haven't figured out how to handle domestic partnerships or same-sex marriages. Because I'm listed as having a domestic partnership/same-sex marriage, this information is automatically transferred from ClearBenefits to ADP. And because I purchase health insurance on a family plan for my daughter (but not my husband) this information (that I'm in a domestic partnership) also gets automatically transferred between ClearBenefits and ADP. The side effect of this is that ADP kept adding taxable fringe benefit (because of the domestic partnership) on my health insurance on my pay check, even though they weren't supposed to (since we weren't getting insurance for my husband, just my daughter).

I'd complain every paycheck and they'd remove it, and then it'd show up again, and I'd have to complain again. This has happened two years in a row (after each benefit selection period), and it's happened for 4 months in a row. I think this paycheck for the most recent period was one of the first I didn't have an issue, so I'm keeping my fingers crossed. If you fall into this specific scenario I'm talking about, take a close look on your paystub and make sure you don't have TFB.

Vermont Passes Gay Marriage

2009-04-07T09:41:00.000-07:00

Wow. Wow. Wow. I guess that's all I can say. Wow. First Iowa this week, and now Vermont has legalized same sex marriage. What a week. All we need is announcement from the California Supreme Court, and I'll have had one of the best weeks ever. Today's news that the Vermont House and Senate overrode the Governor's veto on the same sex marriage bill was a surprise to me, as I had previously read that not enough House members voted for the original bill to override a promised veto from the Governor. But, five legislators changed their vote (or actually voted this time), and overrode the Governor's veto.

While this week's victories have little effect on our day to day lives right now, I know they will have significant impact over the long haul on our daughter Lauren's life. It will mean less ridicule from other kids as she gets older, it means she won't feel so different going to school, and it means more acceptance and tolerance for us as a family when we travel and even as we go about our day to day activities. Lauren may not understand what it all means now, but she will soon enough. She's lucky that right now, when some says to her "I wish I had two daddies" (this actually happened to us at Ikea!), her immediate response is "I know" in a very matter of fact way. I know we can only protect her from the real world for so long, and I'm glad the real world is getting to be a more tolerant place.

New Hope - Iowa, Vermont and Sweden

2009-04-03T19:48:00.000-07:00

Iowa joined Massachusetts and Connecticut as the third state in the U.S. to allow same sex marriage after their Supreme Court struck down a decade old ban. Vermont's House and Senate voted on a gay marriage bill this week as well, sending it to Governor Jim Davis, who unfortunately has said he will veto the bill. Although not part of the U.S. there was also heartening news from Sweden where gay marriage will become legal on May 1 of this year. There was dark news as well this week, as the foes of same sex marriage already said they will seek to put a referendum to the voters of Iowa to ban same sex marriage.

Those of us in California continue to wait on the Supreme Court here to rule on the challenge to Proposition 8. The Supreme Court must make a ruling by early June. So we wait patiently keeping our fingers crossed, our hearts lightened by good news in other parts of the country and the world.

Finding trouble with the Immigration Laws

2009-03-29T23:18:00.000-07:00

In case you didn't see this 8asians post on outdated immigration laws affecting kids of gay parents, it's a good reminder as to why defeating Prop 8 in California was so important. Every gay family is affected by Prop 8, and having Prop 8 pass was just a reminder to the kids of gay families that their family is less important and has less rights than other families. Outdated immigration laws that split families that have been together for 23 years is the worst offense, a problem that's not solved by overturning Prop 8, but one we need to be aware of. I don't think of myself as an activist, but strangely enough today, I received an email saying everyone that blogs is an activist, so I hope this touches someone today.

Beating the Clock

2009-03-16T21:18:00.000-07:00

When we decided to have Lauren, we knew we were fighting one variable that we wouldn't have any control over, and that was time. I was already the younger of the two of us, and I wanted to have my first child before I turned 36. I didn't quite make it, having Lauren just before I turned 38. The big reason for this battle with time was partly selfish, which is the desire to be there for all the important events in her life, her graduation from high school, college, her wedding, etc.

With my partner Lars, we always knew it would be bigger fight with time as he was already 54 when we had Lauren, but I kept telling myself, plenty of other fathers were older when they had their children, and I just didn't think about it. With Lauren turning four soon, we've been having a lot more conversations with her, and I find myself overhearing conversations Lars is having with her that surprise me.

Just the other day he said to her "I'm going to be there for you up through middle school and I'll try my best to be there for high school, but honey, I might just be in the old folks home by then." I had to stop and think about it, and I realized that by the time Lauren graduated high school Lars would be over 70 years old. For both Lauren and Lars, I hope we get to beat the clock.

Finding Religion

2009-03-10T14:30:00.000-07:00

My parents each had their own religion. My mom was a practicing Buddhist and my dad would profess to anyone who would listen that he was Catholic. As for attending church or temple, as a family we rarely did either. My dad made a few attempts when we were really young, but we never asked to go, and he never really pushed it. On the other hand, my mom made a yearly pilgrimage to the temple in Chinatown (a good 2-3 hour drive away), and took us with her, but even then a yearly visit, doesn't instill much religious belief in a child.

Fast forward 35 plus years and I've got a child of my own. While I grew up with minimal religion, I know it's not something I want for my own daughter. Strangely enough I was just reading an article in the Mercury News saying that more Americans say they have no religion.

While I think it's important that Lauren understands that there are different religions and learns to respect others views, I also want to make sure she isn't trying to assimilate different religions, and get left with no belief like I was as a child. I want religion and faith to be there to comfort her in the difficult times.

The question then is how to balance those desires. This last year we've been to Buddhist temple quite a bit, and we've also started going to a United Church of Christ. As a family I know we'll continue to go to UCC for services, but how much do I expose her to Buddhism, without adversely affecting her developing faith in Christ? I certainly don't want her to lose out on her culture and heritage, of which Buddhism plays an important part, yet I want to make sure religion is there for her when she needs it.

Supreme Court Date

2009-03-05T13:13:00.000-08:00

Today's the day that oral arguments were presented to the California Supreme Court on the issue of Prop 8, the ballot initiative that took away the right to marry from same sex couples. Initial reports from the San Jose Mercury News didn't sound good. Their interpretation of the judges responses and questions made it sound like they may be leaning towards upholding the ban that Prop 8 introduced. The good news is that the Mercury News also felt they were leaning towards allowing the existing marriages to stand.

But as with anything in life, there's no certainty of the outcome until the California Supreme Court actually issues its ruling. They have 90 days to make their decision. I'm sure many couples like ours will be holding our breath until the decision is made. It's been a roller coaster ride for us since Prop 8 passed, making us wonder if our marriage would be invalidated. I can't even imagine having a discussion with our daughter explaining that our marriage, that she participated in was dissolved by mean spirited people who really didn't understand the issue as one of family and love. Keep your fingers crossed.

Finally, A Date!

2009-02-21T10:49:00.000-08:00

It seems like it's been forever since we've gone out without our princess Lauren, for just a parents night out. It's probably been at least two years. We still haven't found anyone to be a good babysitter for us (although I have to admit we also haven't tried that hard). Lauren's daycare in the past has run parent's night out, where staff from the daycare run an evening babysitting service. It's been a long time since they've done it, and back when they did do it, Lauren was still too new to the daycare for it to work well with her stranger anxiety.

So when the daycare finally posted a sign before Valentine's day for a parent's night out on February 20th, we just ignored it. But to our surprise, Lauren asked what the sign said, so we read the sign to her and explained it was a night for kids to stay at the daycare while the parents went out to see a movie or have dinner. Her immediate reaction was "Let's do that!". So we agreed and she went to parent's night out last night.

To my surprise, Lars had already planned the evening for us. A nice dinner in Santana Row, followed by dinner at the Cinearts theater. We went to see "Milk" and it was much more touching and beautiful a movie than I expected. Both of us shed tears near the end even though we both knew what the outcome of the movie was. We also both learned a lot about that time period that neither of us was aware of us and showed us what truly remarkable person Harvey Milk was.

When we got to the daycare to pick Lauren up, she was awake still and really happy. She had a great time, so we know we'll be doing this again the next time they have a parent's night out.

A Buddhist/Chinese/American Funeral

2009-01-25T20:22:00.000-08:00

I'm writing this partly to help anyone who is wondering what one does when a Chinese/Buddhist parent passes away, and for the future, if and when Lauren may need to bury me. I don't want her to have to go through all the pain and difficulty I had to, in order to plan a respectful burial for my dad and my mom. I spent this past week making arrangements for my own mom, Lauren's grandmother, and I'll talk about the arrangements relative to what we did for my mom. My mom was a practicing Buddhist, and a Taiwanese immigrant to the United States.

She passed away at 9:05 AM, with me by her side. We already had a Buddhist chant box by her side, as we had placed it there a few days earlier as a comfort to her. The chant box you get should be one that chants the phrase "Na Mo Ah Mi Tuo Fo". If you can only find one that chants "Ah Mi Tuo Fo" that should suffice as well. Because she passed away at home (as did my dad), we were able to keep the body intact and did not move either of them for the requisite 8 hours. (If you have a nurse or health aide available, have them bathe and clean the deceased, if not have the funeral home do it later.) During the 8 hours, we had Buddhist monks and sisters chanting "Na Mo Ah Mi Tuo Fo" along with the chant box (once again, "Ah Mi Tuo Fo" is sufficient if that's all you have). The people chanting will need to sit on either side of the deceased, no one should be sitting at the foot or the head of the bed.

In addition, if you haven't already prepared for this, you'll need to send someone one out to a Buddhist temple to procure a burial blanket or burial blanket kit. The blanket is typically white edged with a gold/yellow center that has been embroidered with lotus blossoms and possibly other symbols of good luck (including a swastika - a symbol used by Buddhists for good luck well before it was used for evil). A kit may also include a pillow case and a white sheet. The pillow case will go below the head the white sheet below the body (give the white sheet to the funeral home to place below the body, you do not move or touch the body during this time).

The eldest son or daughter (if there is no son), should cover the body with the Buddhist blanket. It should be the gift of the child to the deceased. Chanting should continue to go on while this occurs. Throughout the chanting, family members should go up to the deceased and let them know it's okay for them to go with Buddha, that's okay for them to depart the human world, that everything is okay with them, that the deceased no longer needs to worry or care for them in this world.

Typically family members take turns chanting, as you will tire easily from this task, we took turns every 2 hours. Also make arrangements with the funeral home to pick up the deceased after 8 hours has passed.

When the staff of the funeral home comes to pick up your loved one, make sure they know how the Buddhist blanket and pieces (if you have the kit) need to go with the body. Also request the chant box stay with the deceased and go with them. During the time the funeral home moves the deceased out of the home/hospital/location of death, you should not be watching them do so, make sure you step out of the room and ask that they let you know once they have moved the deceased to their vehicle.

Funeral Arrangements

The next step is to make the funeral arrangements for the deceased. Typically, Chinese do not like the idea of embalming, although it is becoming more popular, as Chinese become more westernized. Like my parents, I prefer not to be embalmed. There's a lot to do to prepare for a Buddhist/Chinese/Western funeral.

At the funeral home, you'll need to request no embalming if appropriate. You'll also need to drop off the clothing (don't forget shoes and socks) of the deceased, that you'd like them to be wearing. When you do this, you need to request that they not cut the clothing, as it's tradition for Western funeral homes to cut the clothing along the back to make it easier for them to dress the deceased. This is a no-no in Chinese culture as the deceased needs the clothing intact for their travel to the next world. You should bring along with the clothing, any personal effects the deceased might need (eyeglasses, dentures, anything special you'd like them to have for their trip to the next world). In addition you should bring 3 grains of rice to placed on the tongue of the deceased. This is symbolic, and lets the deceased have food for their travels.

You'll need to select a date for the service. You may also want a visitation period. Because there is no embalming, visitation will probably be short, and can even be scheduled for the hour or two before the service. You may also want to have a closed casket depending on the appearance of the deceased. If the funeral is more than 5-7 days after the loved one has passed, you will probably need a closed casket visitation and service anyway because of the state of the deceased. If this is the case, make sure you schedule a private visitation in the first few days so that you and any other close relatives get to say a private goodbye (this visitation also lets you check up on the funeral home that they have the deceased dressed as you wish and that they remembered to put the Buddhist funeral blanket and accessories on your loved one in the casket.

You will also need to schedule a date for the burial. Chinese typically do not like cremation as they believe they need their body for the afterlife, although as burial becomes more and more expensive, they are beginning to opt for cremation. Note to Lauren, I've already got a burial plot next to your Grandma and Grandpa. The burial can take place immediately after the service, and is probably more convenient if you can schedule it that way.

Finally you'll need to schedule either a lunch or dinner as appropriate to the time of the service and burial, to invite attendees of the service. You need to treat your relatives and friends to a last meal in honor of the deceased. Typically this is at a Chinese restaurant. If you want to adhere to Buddhist traditions, this should also be a vegetarian meal.

Preparation

Things you will need to prepare for the service and burial:

First, call everyone who needs to know about the service and let them know date and time, and estimate how many will attend.

If you know 30 are coming you may want to prepare 50 of the following (make up your own numbers as appropriate):

White envelopes containing a piece of hard candy and a nickel - Each person entering the service should be given a white envelope. The candy is to sweeten the bitterness of their loss.

Red envelopes containing a quarter - Each person departing the service should be given a red envelope. This money should be spent on the way home from the funeral, and is for good luck, as the person has just attended a funeral, which is generally considered bad luck. (Note: the white envelope/red envelope tradition comes from the Cantonese, but I really liked the idea and incorporated it into both my parent's services).

I also prepared inserts in the programs explaining the envelopes as well as the Buddhist portion of the service.

During the visitation if it occurs before the service, you'll need to make sure there are two altars prepared in front of the casket. The main altar (the larger one) should have a Buddha centered (and elevated) with an incense box in front. You'll need to bring three bowls of food for offering to Buddha (one rice, two vegetable dishes) and a plate of 5 oranges (4 square with a fifth stacked on top), and three cups of water. You'll also need a white pillar candle on the altar. The smaller altar should be to the left of the main altar, and should have what's called a "pai(2) wei(4)". It's a white tablet with the deceased's name on it in Chinese with the Chinese word "pai wei" underneath. The food offering on this table should be one dish (rice and vegetable), one orange on a plate and one cup of water. There should be an incense box on this altar as well.

Get another chant box and have the chanting occur in the background during the visitation. Family members (children, brothers, sisters) should wear black arm bands on the right arm. Grandchildren should wear blue arm bands on the right arm. Some Chinese believe Grandchildren should also wear a sprig of juniper (we didn't adhere to this for my parents). Great-grandchildren wear a band of light blue.

You'll also need to order a wreath of flowers to honor the deceased. The one from the children go to the right of the casket.

Funeral Day

Allow anyone who would like to make an incense offering to Buddha and then the deceased can do so during the visitation. Have the white candle lit before the visitation, so it can be used to light the incense for offering and of course make sure you bring incense to use) A large photo of the deceased should be placed to the left of the casket (more important if this is a closed casket ceremony).

You'll need someone to officiate the service preferably someone not related to the deceased (this is a Chinese superstition, and considers it bad luck for family members to officiate).

You'll need to find a Buddhist monk/sister to lead a Buddhist prayer at the service. It's generally easier to start with the Buddhist part of the service, and ask the Buddhist monk/sister for a 35 minute to 40 minute chant/prayer service for the deceased. Let the officiant introduce the Buddhist monk/sister and announce that the Western portion will follow the Buddhist ceremony. Invite everyone to chant with the Buddhists.

Have the officiant welcome everyone to the Western portion of the service. Introduce anyone who is going to read a poem or play music etc. The eldest son/daughter should then give the first eulogy, and then invite anyone else who would like to speak to do so.

The Burial Ceremony

After everyone has spoken, the pallbearers should take their place and help move the casket to the hearse. Make sure you have prepared red envelopes for the pallbearers with $5 to $10 in each envelope. This is lucky money to offset their bad luck at being pallbearers. For each vehicle in the procession behind the hearse, make sure each vehicle also has a red envelope with $5 inside.

When you are at the burial ceremony, you can speak, but there's generally little spoken in a Chinese burial. I chose a poem to read at my mom's burial. Typically the funeral home will also ask pallbearers to discard their gloves and flowers if they were given them on the casket. Before the casket is lowered, everyone should turn away, as it's bad luck to watch it being lowered. Afterwards, family members can remove their armbands and drop them on top of the casket. They can also place flowers if they wish on top of the casket.

Before the immediate family leaves the burial make sure each brother, sister, and child of the family receives a care package. The care package should contain a flashlight, a knife (swiss army knife or steak knife will suffice - buy new ones in package for this), a sprig of juniper and rock candy (regular candy if you can't find rock candy). A note should be attached that explains the flashlight is for when the family member goes home. They should place the turned on flashlight outside the front door and step over the flashlight upon first entering their home after the funeral. This symbolizes lighting their way out of darkness. The knife is symbolic and represents severing the pain of loss. The sprig of juniper is a symbol of evergreen, and the candy is to sweeten the bitterness of loss.

The Family Meal

Everyone can now proceed to or if it's later, meet up at the meal to honor the deceased. If it's early enough, then later the same day (otherwise do this the next day), you need to take the "pai wei" and some joss paper you've purchased at a local Chinese market and burn the "pai wei" and the joss paper. You should say a prayer to the deceased and let them know the joss paper (pretend money) is money for the deceased in the afterlife.

49 days after the deceased has passed away, you should visit a Buddhist temple and pray for the deceased and honor him/her.

That's it. There's a lot to do/remember, which is why I wrote it all down. It's considered bad luck to do this, but I figure if I don't Lauren will never know.

The Day After

2009-01-25T12:15:00.001-08:00

It's the day after my mom's funeral. The sun is shining and it's partly cloudy. The weather gives no hint of the activities yesterday. It was a long day yesterday. I woke up early to be at the funeral home before anyone else got there, and still my cousin was already there waiting for me when I arrived.

I didn't feel as if I had done all that much, yet by the end of the day yesterday I was completely exhausted by the day's events. I think I expected to feel differently as if some huge burden would be lifted by my shoulders by having completed all the necessary duties to my mother. But instead I felt the opposite. I felt a heavy weight tugging on my soul, and found it difficult to take each step.

I thought with my exhaustion, it would be easy to fall asleep, but instead I tossed and turned most of the night. I've been told to take it one day at a time, and parts of it will get better and parts of it won't. I've also been told to remember a little bit of my mom each day, so I never forget. Both good pieces of advice that are hard to take in with her passing so recent.

In flux

2009-01-17T11:53:00.001-08:00

I'm sitting by mom's bedside, knowing she's going to leave us any day now. She gets weaker each day, and she eats practically nothing. Right now she's sleeping, but having outbursts every few minutes that make no sense. I have a feeling she's having some nightmares, but there's little I can do for her. I've already given her a dose of her pain medication and shifted her body again to prevent bedsores. I ask her whenever she is awake, if there's anything she needs or anything we can do to make her more comfortable, but there rarely is.

So I sit at her bedside and contemplate her life, my life and Lauren's life. The past, the present and the future. In the background the oxygen generator hums away, lulling me into deeper thoughts of where I am today and where I'm going tomorrow.

We (my husband, daughter and I) live in a house that we bought so that my mom could live comfortably with us after my dad passed away. Somehow I thought this house would be the "ONE", the "ONE" that we lived in until it was our time. The "ONE" that Lauren would grow up in. But as we get closer to my mom's time to go, I think each of us views this house in different ways, and neither of us really see living in it much longer after my mom is gone. Sometimes I worry my mom's cancer is driving us apart, and although I know this to be partly true, I also have faith in how much we mean to each other and that we'll make it through this together.

So that brings me back to the house, and sitting in a room in a house that I know we will probably leave soon, and I can't help thinking it will be hard enough on Lauren to lose her Grandmother, and I wonder how hard it will be on her to have to move out of this house, the one she does know, the one with the room she calls her own. And I'm back to thoughts of why we think we need to leave this house, and who that will benefit. Logically I know Lauren's small enough, that when she's bigger she'll never remember this house, but I also can imagine how difficult a move will be for her now. And watching pain is something I've seen enough of already.

Sitting in a drug store

2009-01-13T19:35:00.000-08:00

My mother was released from the hospital today, to go home and start hospice care. It was a tough decision to decide to start hospice, as it meant deciding that there were no other aggressive treatments to pursue against the breast cancer she has been battling for the last 12 years.

An ambulance transport brought her home and we got her settled comfortably in a hospital bed provided by hospice. My sister came over to help out and then it was time for me to go to the drug store to pick up all the medicines my mother had been prescribed by the doctor upon discharge.

Normally you'd think going to the drug store and picking up a prescription would be no big deal. Most of us do it either regularly or when we have a cold or the flu. For me, it's no different. But this particular trip would turn out to be an exception. For starters my mom was given 10 different prescriptions upon the leaving the hospital. I was sure that alone qualified for a volume discount. But I was undeterred and went off to the drug store and dropped off the prescriptions where I was told they would be ready in 35 minutes.

I went off and shopped for other things I knew we needed, like flexible straws (a necessity for someone who is bed-ridden and can't really eat). 35 minutes passed and I went back to the pharmacy desk. No, it wasn't ready yet. Undeterred I went on and paid for the few things I had already picked up, put them in the car and went back to the pharmacy waiting area and sat down. I waited 15 more minutes before inquiring again, no still not ready. At this point sitting in the pharmacy waiting area, I started to have strange thoughts. Somehow it came to me that I was in a drug store waiting on a pharmacy when my dad passed away. I hadn't thought of that since his funeral. At that point I just prayed that I wouldn't be in a drug store waiting on a pharmacy when my mom passed away.

In total I waited almost 2 hours before getting the medications, because of a problem in one of the prescribed medications. The dosage prescribed wasn't available and the pharmacist had to consult with the doctor to get a different strength prescribed. I kept the hospice nurse waiting, and only to find out I didn't need to go to the drug store at all, as the hospice service could have provided all the drugs we had been prescribed by the doctor. Luckily, my mom was oblivious to my entire wild goose chase. At home she was resting comfortably when I returned.

The fine line between love, honor, duty, and sacrifice

2009-01-11T20:59:00.000-08:00

I lost my dad to cancer almost 3 years ago. Our daughter Lauren was only 9 months old at the time, and of course could not comprehend the loss, nor did she understand why her daddy was so upset. Today Lauren is three and half years old and very cognizant of her world. She's grown up in a household with two parents and a grandparent, my mom.

I find myself making tough choices today as the doctors tell me they want to release my mom from the hospital tomorrow, so she can go home and rest comfortably before breast cancer takes her away from me and from her granddaughter. My mom has been battling breast cancer for almost 12 years, so it's no surprise to us that this day would be coming. But it's so much harder for me with my mom than it was with my dad. My dad made all his own choices and I think that made it much easier on us kids. My mom, who was always the strong one in our family, wants us kids to make the decisions for her.

How does one live with a decision that may prolong life, but may cause more pain and suffering, or the opposite a decision that may take life away too soon? How do you make sure a loved one is truly comfortable in their final hours, and can you truly be sure these will be their final hours? And then there's that question that I'm dreading to hear, and that's the one from my daughter Lauren asking where her grandmother is, when she's gone.

Out of three kids my dad asked me to be the decision maker for my mom when the time came. He knew her time was short as well. He thought my youngest sibling would be too emotional and my older sibling too analytical and cold. He thought I would be the level headed one and make the right choice. I guess that's been my role through out my life. I find myself playing a mediator, a decision maker, and dutiful son tonight. I tell myself there can be no wrong choice, knowing I will doubt whether I've made the right decisions for many years to come.

Disappointment, but the dream lives on

2008-11-05T10:02:00.001-08:00

Today's election results are disappointing. Proposition 8 looks like it's going to pass, although there's a glimmer of hope, however faint that as of yet uncounted absentee and provisional ballots may push it to defeat.

So yes if you ask me what I think about the results this morning, I'm disappointed. But I also look at this very realistically. We had the opportunity of a lifetime. Never in my life before this year did I think that gay marriage was going to happen in my lifetime, much like the Berlin wall coming down, or the USSR dissolving, or an African American becoming president. Yet all these things happened, and I'm glad and proud to have witnessed all of them in my lifetime.

I wouldn't have changed anything we've done. Our marriage was one of the most precious things we could have done and I'm so glad our daughter Lauren was a part of it and she made such an impression on us. So as I've told some of my friends, being able to get get married was icing on the cake for us. Our marriage was about us, getting to state our love to each other and to our daughter, reaffirming our family, and we held our marriage with just ourselves and two friends as witnesses. Sure, we had a party later, but the wedding was private, affecting only us, and no one else.

So, if you ask me about Proposition 8, yes, I'm disappointed, but I'm glad we were part of this past year of gay marriage, and we'll continue to dream on about a world where equality prevails. It may seem like something that won't happen in our lifetime, but as we've lived to see, anything's possible.

Our Wedding

2008-08-09T10:52:00.000-07:00

We've spent the last few weeks planning our wedding. Actually Lars did most of the planning and arranging, the only part I had was making sure Lauren looked like a princess. She's been so excited, telling everyone that her daddy and papa were getting married.

We decided we wanted a small ceremony, as this was really our day. We're getting married for us (including Lauren) and not for anyone else or for any political reason. So at first we thought we'd just go to the county building and get an appointment for a civil ceremony. We got our license, but it turned out the date we wanted (August 8, 2008) was also wanted by every other Asian or Asian influenced couple, so they were already over-booked.

We looked for alternatives, and ended up going back to where we registered our domestic partnership before Lauren was born. An eclectic lady, who ran a post office box/notary/wedding chapel service ended up being our choice for minister and wedding location. At first we thought it would just be us and Lauren, but then we realized we also needed witnesses for our wedding license. Lars called up long time friends of his to come and join us for our wedding. They agreed, and asked if they too could get married at the same time. Immediately we had plans for a double wedding.

The day of the wedding, we all got dressed up, and were going to meet our friends Steve and Colin at their hotel. While we were there getting ready to go, Lars surprised us all by having a limo pull up and take us to the wedding venue.

During the ceremony Lauren surprised us by taking both our hands to complete a circle between us, when the minister asked us to join hands. It was so touching it brought Colin to tears.

After both ceremonies, the limo took us to the nicest steakhouse in town for a celebration dinner. Everyone was so nice and congratulatory during the evening it truly made us feel wonderful and thankful for our community and our family.

So now we're married, and Lauren's family is one legally too!

Marriage in California!

2008-05-15T12:44:00.000-07:00

This morning, the California State Supreme Court gave the nod to gay marriage. Today, Lauren is almost three years old (she'll turn three on July 13th). Today, my partner asked me to marry him. Today we really do get to be a family.

I didn't think I'd be this emotional today. It's a surprise to me I that I welled up and started to cry when I read the announcement, and cried some more when my partner called to ask me to marry him.

We're not going to have a big wedding, and in fact it may not be more than 10 people, but it'll be our wedding and that's what counts. Lauren will always be able to say her family counted too.

Little Girl Update

2006-12-13T13:28:00.000-08:00

It's been almost 17 months since our baby girl was born. I figured it was time to give everyone an update. Lauren's been an amazing little baby. She's inquisitive, smart and beautiful, and yes, I guess I'm prejudiced since I'm her dad! She's been ahead of the curve for most activities. She started walking at 10 months!

Its a girl!

2005-07-16T21:58:00.000-07:00

But you knew that already from all the previous posts. Our little girl decided she was going to rest a while, so after she was late in coming, the doctor decided to induce labor on July 13. So Lauren joined us on the 13th of July, 2005 at 4:21 PM. She weighed 7lbs 10oz at birth and was 20.5 inches. Since then she's continued to do well, and today has a healthy appetite, and has begun to fill out her features.

Lauren's kept us up a few nights, so I apologize this has taken so long to make it to the web page. Pics (if you haven't gotten them in email) are forthcoming soon linked from this page.

The Home Stretch

2005-06-28T20:51:00.000-07:00

We're hitting the home stretch. Our baby is due any day now. We had a few false alarms, as our surrogate PB called to say she had gone into the doctor's because of pain in her back (that's how her previous labor started with her 2nd child).

PB is dilated to 2cm at this point and she's had irregular contraction patterns. The doctor tells us this means it could be as much as week or as little as a day before the baby comes.

So we just sit in anticipation and jump every time the phone rings!

Surprise Guest

2005-05-23T13:13:00.000-07:00

LH and I had a great time at the retreat in Los Angeles this past weekend. We got to spend time with other intended parents in various stages of the surrogacy process. We attended workshops around issues in surrogacy, as well as a baby care class.

PB, our surrogate got to attend special classes for surrogates as well. She is continuing to do well, as is the baby. During the group dinner on Saturday, we had some special surprise guests.

It turns out that NBC is starting a new show this fall based loosely on Growing Generations called "Inconceivable." Three of the stars of the show, including Ming-Na star of "ER" and the "The Joy Luck Club" was on handing doing first hand research of gay couples, surrogates, and surrogacy process. It was a nice surprise for an already great weekend.

PB also chose to surprise us that weekend by getting a 3D/4D ultrasound of our baby to be. That was a really nice touch that we certainly didn't expect!

Letting everyone know

2005-05-23T13:08:00.000-07:00

I needed to let everyone in my family know that LH and I were about to have a little baby girl (pretty soon it was going to be self-evident, and it's certainly easier to let everyone know in advance!).

I decided I was going to tell everyone in my family about our impending arrival using my family blog site. I have readers from my family from all over the world on that site, so it was a very public acknowledgement of our pregnancy and how we accomplished it.

I thought I'd share my post here on this site as well:

And Life Goes On ...

"Making the decision to have a child is momentous. It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body." ~Elizabeth Stone

Well, I've been needing to write this blog entry for some time now. And as the date gets closer, there's really no avoiding it at this point. So let me start by saying I've got some incredibly good news and I'm sure this will be a surprise to many of you.

M..., A..., D..., C..., J..., and A..., are all about to have a new little cousin. She (yes, she) is scheduled to join us on July 8, 2005. She will be born under the year of the rooster, Chinese year 4702. Her element will be wood.

First a little bit about people born in the year of the Rooster. People born in the Year of the Rooster are very loyal individuals. They do not like dishonesty or mockery of any sort. They are blunt, up front and honest people and expect those around them to be the same. Roosters are happiest when they are surrounded by others, at a party or just a social gathering. They even enjoy the spotlight and will exhibit their charisma and wit in a minute. This star quality can be overbearing, for a Rooster expects you to listen to her while she speaks and can become agitated if you don’t. Roosters do have a tendency to brag about themselves and their achievements and demand an attentive audience when doing so.

For those born under the wood element, this Rooster is different in that she enjoys being a part of the team rather than in the spotlight like other Roosters. She likes the company of others and is a genuine friend. These Roosters work for the betterment of society, working diligently to change the evils of it. They expect quality attempts from others involved with the causes and sometimes expect too much of their co-volunteers, as they do of themselves. Often, because of this desire to help society, these Roosters overcommit themselves, unable to finish what they’ve started.

Now onto news about the bundle of joy about to join us. From the ultrasound that we just had performed on March 18th, she is very healthy. All of her vital signs, measurements and activity shows a healthy, normal baby underway. She's on target to be delivered on July 8, 2005.

How this happened I'm sure is on the top of your list of questions. She is (and will always be) my biological daughter. She is planned and most definitely wanted. The activity around my becoming a father started in the beginning of 2004. Her biological mother is an anonymous egg donor, and she's being carried to term by a surrogate mother. I have pictures of the ultrasound just performed, as well as one from early in the pregnancy.

We have lots of donated supplies already from M... and M..., since M... has outgrown a lot of her clothes, and baby items. So really, not much is needed, so don't go out of your way to get anything. She will have lots and will be quite loved!

Retreat

2005-05-19T15:12:00.000-07:00

All has been going well with our surrogate PB over the last few weeks. She's had regular doctor's appointments and all the checkups have been good. There was a little concern since the baby hadn't yet shifted into delivery position (she was breech) until about a week ago, and she finally moved herself to the right position.

This weekend coming up, LH and I will be off to Los Angeles for a retreat that Growing Generations is hosting for Intended Parents and Surrogates. It's filled with various activities, including a parenting class that we've signed up for. PB will also be going, and it'll be nice to see her this far into the pregnancy.

Ultrasound

2005-03-21T10:49:00.000-08:00

LH and I drove down to the souther Central Valley again this past weekend for the Ultrasound appointment on March 18. The ultrasound was truly an incredible experience. I had no idea they were able to find out so much from an ultrasound. They were able to see all four chambers of the heart, verify they were normal size, verify that the blood flow in and out of the heart were good. The technician also checked the umbilical cord and the blood flow in and out of the cord. She also measured the baby's head, arm bone and femur, and verified they were normal, and that the baby is on target for size and growth. She also checked the spine to verify there was no strange curvature. She also checked for a cleft palate (which there is none).

Overall our baby is very healthy with no signs of problems. And of course the important one. So cover up your monitor if you don't want to know. There's a 95% certainty we're going to have a baby girl! Our little daughter to be will certainly be a very lucky and loved little baby.

We got ultrasound printouts of the baby for the baby scrapbook. After the appointment we got our tour of the birthing facilities at the hospital. They have birthing suites where the baby stays with the family after she's born. This is similar to my sister's hospital, when my niece was born last year. Apparently this is the latest trend in birthing centers.

As we did last time we went out to dinner with PB and her husband and their kids, and had a great time. PB's kids are wonderful!

We now have a little under 4 months remaining until the birth, so there's not much left for us to do other than wait. PB's got the tough job, as she continues to take her prenatal vitamins, and gets her checkups. The due date hasn't moved and is still scheduled for July 8, 2005.

Heartbeat!

2005-02-15T14:13:00.000-08:00

Our roadtrip down to the southern Central Valley was uneventful. We arrived in plenty of time at PB's house and went with her to the ob/gyn. At the doctor's office we got to hear the baby's heartbeat. An incredible sound that just fills you with emotion. The doctor informed us that everything was good, and the baby was healthy and the pregnancy was proceeding well.

We scheduled the ultrasound for March 18th. I talked with Erica at GG and she's going to schedule a hospital walk through on the same date to let LH and I get familiarized with the hospital and the services it has to offer.

On the sad news front, LH's mom passed away this past week, so I've been sort of remiss at posting, as we've been busy with family matters.

Planning for a roadtrip

2005-01-31T14:32:00.000-08:00

We're getting further along in our planning for the doctor's visit with PB next weekend. We've agreed to meet at her home and go to the doctor from there. It'll be our first time to meet the ob/gyn. We're going to spend the weekend down in the Central Valley since we'll be down that way, and we're going to take PB and her husband to dinner that evening. More after our roadtrip!

Going on a doctor's visit

2005-01-21T16:58:00.000-08:00

Well, PB is off the hormone treatments now and we have a stable pregnancy. YEAH! At this point everything continues to go extremely well, and nothing but good news from all the doctor's appointments that PB has had so far. Her ob/gyn has expressed an interest in meeting us, so we're planning on going on her next appointment in February.

In addition the doctor's office is offering a "sneak peak" video package of the baby. I haven't had time to sit down and read the pamphlet yet for all the details, but the idea is to get a video of the ultrasound watching the baby move around, before it's born.

We'd also really like to go to the next ultrasound which according to Erica from GG, is around the 20th week. That's the ultrasound which will give us an idea hopefully of the sex of the baby. Then we can really get the baby room ready.

I've been doing more organization, more cleanup and more donating of things to charity to get the room ready, but I'm still not at a point where it's the baby room, so lots more work to go.

One of LH's coworkers has offered to hold a shower for us, and that means registering for the baby as well. It just seem like a difficult thing to do without knowing the sex of the baby!

My sister has already given us a bunch of things including a bassinet, baby swing, and an infant car seat, plus some clothes that my niece never wore, but has already outgrown.

I still sometimes can't believe we're having a baby this year! I'm sure it will really sink in when I'm holding the baby in July! I'm also planning on enrolling in some classes at Kaiser that are on newborn care.

New Year

2005-01-03T13:03:00.000-08:00

I've been a little remiss in posting to this site with updates. But that's mostly because there's been little news to report. Everything continues to go smoothly. We got a call from Anita, a nurse at CFP late last week to tell us PB's latest appointment continued to indicate no problems, and they were going to switch her to a new hormone treatement as the one they were using (with needles) was causing her to have sore hips. Only two more weeks to go on the hormone therapy before the first trimester is over and we're out of the danger zone, and we can pretty sure we've got a successful pregnancy. I can't wait!

2nd Ultrasound

2004-12-03T17:05:00.000-08:00

PB had another Ultrasound this week. Erica from GG gave me a call on Wednesday to let me know all went well, and there are still no problems. PB is still on patches and injections. She thinks she might have another 3 weeks to go on the injections. I don't know how she does it. I certainly can't imagine making my self go through self-injections for the length of time she has.

She also relayed to us that she's had some pretty bad morning sickness already, so we wish her the best, and hope she gets over it quickly.

Ultrasound!

2004-11-22T08:51:00.000-08:00

Last Tuesday PB got her first ultrasound. It's estimated the baby's at about 1 month old already. (My how time flies). CFP sent us the picture of the Ultrasound. It's incredible to be able to see the baby as it's developing. The doctor also gave us a due date. The baby is now officially due July 8, 2005.

2 weeks

2004-11-16T19:12:00.000-08:00

It's been two weeks since we found out we're pregnant. PB, the surrogate went in for an ultrasound this morning, and we've got continued good news. Everything looked good, the baby looks healthy, the heartbeat is good. Yes, in case you're wondering, that's one heartbeat. As far as they can tell right now, we're going to have one baby!

We're more excited than ever. Although twins might have been interesting, we know it would have been a lot of work. Either way would have been great, but we're happy just to have the baby healthy! The next check up is in another two weeks.

My mom has been as excited as anyone, and has been busy knitting away. She's already knit three outfits for the baby, and a baby blanket!

We're Pregnant!

2004-11-02T14:31:00.000-08:00

Eileen, the nurse from CFP gave me a call midday yesterday to tell me that PB had come in for her blood test, and the that the blood test came up positive, meaning PB is officially pregnant! I immediately told LH, and we've been ecstatic about it ever since.

We also sent PB flowers and balloons congratulating her (and us!). Later that day I got a call from Erica from Growing Generations checking in and an e-mail from Eliseo from Growing Generations congratulating us.

That evening LH had to go to a work dinner, so I went by myself to my parent's house with a big bouquet of flowers to congratulate my mom on her impending grandmotherhood. All in all a very good day for us!

Back in San Jose

2004-10-22T15:24:00.000-07:00

PB, our surrogate, parted ways with us on Thursday, after two days together sharing stories, watching TV and generally being sociable. We won't know the results of the transfer for another two weeks, after PB gets her blood tests.

The whole transfer event was a little like a surreal vacation. We were excited and nervous about the whole thing, and we got to relax for a couple of days afterwards.

Now we just keep our fingers crossed for the next two weeks!

The Big Day

2004-10-19T22:57:00.000-07:00

Well LH and I arrived late last night in Los Angeles. We called PB, our surrogate from the road to arrange meeting at 9:30 AM this morning for breakfast. After breakfast we drove PB to the appointment at California Fertility Partners.

At the appointment, PB went ahead to the examination room, while we waited. After she was situated, we joined her in the exam room. Jody, the embryologist wheeled in the incubator, and Dr. Ringler brought in a report and pictures of the two embryos chosen for transfer.

LH and I were allowed to view the two embryos under microscope in the incubator, before the procedure began with PB. Afterwards, we sat for an hour with PB, and kept her company while she had her mandatory bedrest. They kept her tilted on the bed head downwards at about a 15 degree angle. In a strange twist on surrealism, the TV in the exam room was on and tuned to the National Geographic channel. During the transfer, they ran a segment on cross dressing men in India, where it was normal to sleep with other men on only one holy day a year. After that show during the bed rest, National Geographic continued on with a show on stolen Egyptian antiquities.

Kim, the psychiatrist from Growing Generations, visited us during the one hour bed rest wait, and brought gifts for LH and I, as well as for PB. We received a book on an embryo's development in the mother's womb, while, PB received a silver bracelet, with a charm attached.

After the hour was over, we were allowed to take PB back to the hotel. We let her rest for a bit, while LH and I went out to get lunch and then browsed in a bookstore on Sunset Blvd. before we returned to the hotel, where PB had munchies for chocolate and sunflower seeds, which we got her from a local quickie mart.

We then kept her company watching TV, and eventually a movie before leaving her to rest for the evening. We'll see her again tomorrow, and have another day of bedrest before she can go home on Thursday.

1 day and counting

2004-10-18T12:03:00.000-07:00

I got another call this morning from Jody, from Fertility Futures to set the time for the transfer tomorrow (it's set for 11:30 AM), and to give me an update on how the fertilized eggs are doing. Out of the 8 fertilized eggs, and the 2 additional that were fertilized yesterday, 1 has divided to 2 cells, 7 have divided to 4 cells, an 1 has divided to 5 cells. An additional 2 eggs of the immature eggs have shown signs of growth and viability. So they've taken those two and one of the 4 cells and frozen those as well as a backup. That leaves 8 fertilized eggs in culture. Tomorrow we'll make the final decision about how many to transfer to PB, our surrogate.

According to Jody, ideally we want the eggs to be around 4 cells today and anywhere from 5 to 8 cells when they're transferred tomorrow.

We'll be staying at the same hotel as PB, so we'll be driving her to the transfer appointment. She has no restrictions on her eating/drinking prior, but Jody did warn she's not to move for an hour or so after her transfer so she might want to watch her consumption of what she drinks as she won't be able to use the facilities.

We're going to leave between 3-4pm for the drive from the SF Bay Area down to Los Angeles. We're hoping to not to get down there too late. But in any case, I'll try and call PB tonight before it's too late to make arrangements for meeting in the morning.

The Egg Retrieval

2004-10-17T11:42:00.000-07:00

BR, our egg donor had her retrieval yesterday, October 16, Saturday. It was a surprise to all of us when Eileen called on Saturday afternoon to confirm that they were able to retrieve 30 eggs from BR. That's a huge number. We'd been told all week that she had stimulated 16 follicles, but no one was expecting 30 eggs.

The eggs were fertilized Saturday afternoon, using an invitro fertilization technique called ICSI. It's where the egg is injected with the spermatozoa to increase the chances of fertilization. Out of the 30 eggs retrieved 20 were mature enough for the fertilization procedure. Out of the remaining 10, those that remained viable were allowed to mature further.

I received a call this morning from Fertility Partners, and the embryologist who confirmed that 14 of the 20 eggs fertilized successfully. Out of those 14, 6 were frozen for future use in case the procedure later this week doesn't work out. The remaining eight will continue to mature for use in the transfer. Out of the 10 that weren't mature enough, only two matured enough for the ICSI procedure, which they will undergo today.

So for Tuesday's transfer, we'll have a minimum of 8 fertilized eggs to choose from, with a maximum of 10. On Tuesday, they'll look at all the eggs and decide which ones are the best candidates for transfer. At that time we'll make the final decision, along with the doctor about which ones get transferred and how many.

Dates are set

2004-10-14T21:50:00.000-07:00

Wow, I've been a bit remiss in updating this site. All sorts of exciting things have been happening this week. Both BR and PB have gone in for exams every few days, Erica called me yesterday to confirm that we had to slip a date, since BR's folicles are growing just a little slower than expected. So the retrieval will occur on Saturday, the 16th instead of the 15th, Friday, which means that we won't do the transfer to PB until Tuesday the 19th.

That means LH and I will be driving down to Los Angeles on Monday night instead of having all day Sunday to do the drive. We're going to try and leave San Jose around 3pm or 4pm so we don't get into LA too late. We're going to stay in the same hotel as PB, and we'll drive her to the transfer appointment on Tuesday. Afterwards we'll drive her back, and we'll stay with her for two days at the hotel while she's on mandatory bedrest.

More news later!

Update from CFP

2004-10-05T11:27:00.000-07:00

Eileen from CFP is on vacation this week, so Anita gave me a call yesterday with the update on what's happening. BR, our egg donor had her check up on Monday, and she's still on target for all the original planned dates. She's got another followup this Friday, so we'll be able to confirm the dates again then, the idea is that the transfer of the eggs will occur on the 15th of October, and then fertilized embryos will be implanted in the PB, our surrogate on the 18th of October.

I received an email from PB and she's doing well, continuing her fertility drug regimen. She's on patches now, and she's getting ready and excited for the 18th as well.

After getting the call from Anita, Kim Bergman, the psychiatrist from Growing Generations gave me a call and we talked for a little bit. So all is going well for us at this point. Just another couple of weeks before the big day!

Quiet Couple of Weeks

2004-09-20T17:19:00.000-07:00

It's been a quiet couple of weeks for us as the transfer date draws nearer. We've had a little contact with Growing Generations and CFP. Mostly administrative things, bookkeeping and such. We did get the DVD and biographical information for BR for our records, and signed more paperwork, but for now it's just waiting.

Calendar official

2004-09-10T16:06:00.000-07:00

I received a call from Erica today, telling me that CFP released the calendar that they will work from. The dates are the same as the estimated dates from before, but now they're on a working calendar, and still subject to change. It depends all on how fast BR progresses on the drugs she'll be on and how quickly the eggs develop.

So for now we continue to wait and see. I got an email from PB, she's started her hormone injections, something I know I wouldn't look forward to, and I know she's not either, but she's being a good sport about it all.

We're still scheduled to go to LA for the transfer to PB, and we'll stay at the same hotel as her during her bed rest. Meanwhile we wait and see what happens.

Labor day weekend update

2004-09-07T11:09:00.000-07:00

During our family outing this weekend to the Tahoe area, LH and I got a call from both Erica and Eileen giving us little updates. Erica wanted to make sure we were set going into the weekend with all the information we needed. She had no real new news, so all was good on that front. Eileen called to let us know that our egg donor, BR, received almost all of her medical clearances, so we were definitely a go. The only clearance left was for nicotine. Eileen also said for us to expect an official calendar from them this week. So we'll have better dates for when everything is going to happen!

Medical Clearance

2004-08-27T09:39:00.000-07:00

After a rocky start with my blood tests (with the CBC not working out that I mentioned earlier), the lab that actually performed all the blood and urine tests took longer than expected. Results finally came back yesterday, and I heard from Eileen that I'll be getting the medical clearance to go forward, as there was nothing strange in any of the results.

Nothing strange to her at least. It's very disturbing when you have a belief, and you've held that belief most of your life, to be told that you wrong, that you weren't who you believed yourself to be. My whole life (since about the 4th grade), I've thought that my blood type was B+. This didn't seem strange at all to me, since that's my mom's blood type, and my dad's blood type is O+. In the fourth grade we tested our own blood with these do it yourself kits, and I was pretty sure my blood type came out to B+. So imagine my surprise yesterday when Eileen came back and told me that my blood type is O+. I guess back in the fourth grade, somehow the do it yourself kit messed up.

A belief I've held for almost 30 years, just turned upside down! LH had a good laugh over this yesterday. But the good news is all the results looked fine, and we're pretty much sure we can go forward.

Eileen also mentioned that we're going to target October 15 for egg retrieval and October 18 for the transfer. We're definitely rolling now!

More paperwork, more calls, but we're closer!

2004-08-24T14:26:00.000-07:00

I got a call yesterday from Kim, the psychiatrist we're working with at Growing Generations. Only I didn't know it was here, I didn't hear her correctly when she identified herself, so I spent this phone conversation wondering who the heck I was talking to. It wasn't until near the end of the phone conversation, that I asked her who was on the phone. I then had to apologize, and I realized I must seemed extremely stand-offish during the whole call where she was asking how the meeting with PB and her husband went.

We got more paperwork including the retainer agreement with Fertility Futures, the egg donor agreement, and additional paperwork from CA Fertility Partners. More to read and more to sign.

I also got a bill from CA Fertility Partners for the phone consultation with Dr. Ringler. It also sunk in for the first time that all these medical costs are going to have to paid out of my own pocket, since my Kaiser coverage won't cover anything out of Kaiser!

I got a call from Erica this morning asking about scheduling and if I had spoken with the nurse over at CA Fertility Partners and the scheduling for my Europe trip.

I called her back and confirmed that I had and asked her for a status on the blood work I had done. But apparently the paperwork still hasn't come back yet, so we're still waiting on that one.

Kim did mention to me that I could contact PB and let her know how we're doing, so I'm going to try and send her and her husband an e-mail either today or tomorrow.

Trip planning

2004-08-20T13:56:00.000-07:00

My work is going to require that I be in Europe in late October. As it turns out this seems likely to be right around the transfer date (when the embryo will get transplanted into the surrogate). So I spent yesterday on the phone between Erica, Emily and Anita to try and get a better idea on dates, so I could better gauge when I should take my European trip.

Looks like I'm going to start my trip around the 23rd of October and push into November, since we're going to see if the transfer can be scheduled earlier in October.

It's all tentative of couse, so it may all still change on me.

In other news, the money for the trust fund that's going to pay for all this needs to be funded by August 26th, so I sent off a check to Growing Generations today. A mighty big check too.

Little steps back and more paperwork

2004-08-18T12:38:00.000-07:00

I got a phone call yesterday from Eileen who is the nurse assigned to us from CA Fertility Partners. Apparently the blood sample they took from me on Friday didn't make it to the lab in time, so they couldn't do a good CBC and diff. They've asked me to find a local lab and have the blood test done again and faxed to them.

Last night I found a local lab, and today went there during my lunch break to have my blood draw. None of this of course is covered by my insurance, so I'll have to see what the cost of this is going to be. I'm going to be billed directly for this latest blood draw.

In addition LH and I sat down last night and went over the legal agreement sent to me by Will Halm's office for the surrogacy agreement, and also went over the consent forms that CA Fertility Partners gave me to review.

The surrogacy agreement looked pretty standard, so we agreed to okay it, but the consent forms are going to take a little more study. There are some heavy duty decisions we have to make as part of the consent forms. These decisions include disposition of any left over fertilized embryos. What's the right decision. I'm not sure, but we're going to have to decide soon.

The LA Trip

2004-08-16T14:10:00.000-07:00

Wow. It's Monday, the weekend's now over, and it seems like so much has happened in such a short span of time.

After we arrived in LA, we spent Thursday evening at the Grove, a combination of theaters, stores, restaurants and farmer's market. It was a nice evening at leisure in preparation for the next day's meeting.

Early on Friday we got up and drove over to the offices of Growing Generations. We were greeted by Gail, who we sat down with and chatted about PB, and the process for the day, and answered some questions for us.

We also met with Teo M., who runs operations, and he went through the cost breakdowns of the process, as well as when and how payments are due, including which pieces were available for payment via credit card (in case we wanted to earn miles when possible).

We got to meet Erica face to face and learned some interesting facts about her, including the fact that she was also an egg donor previously for the program.

During our meeting with Erica we found out that PB and her husband were going to be late to the match meeting because they had been rear-ended in their car on their way to the office. Not an auspicious start for the match meeting. It was Friday the 13th after all.

So prior to meeting with PB and her husband, we also sat down with Kim B., the staff psycologist at Growing Generations, who wanted to address any concerns and questions we had. She had met both PB, the surrogate mother, and BR, the egg donor, and thought they were both good matches for us.

When we finally got to meet PB and her husband it was obvious they were both still a little frazzled by the car accident, but Gail let us in the discussion of introducing ourselves to each other. She facilitated the meeting for about half an hour or so, and then sent us on our way to a restaurant for our lunch meeting, unchaperoned.

PB and her husband were extremely friendly, easy to get along with and made the meeting very easy for LH and myself. We presented them with a Chinese Yi-Xing teapot we had picked up last year in China, as a welcome gift, and it seemed well received.

The parting words from Gail before we left the Growing Generations office was for us to call her before noon on Monday, to let her know if we wanted to go ahead with the surrogate, and for PB to let us know if they wanted to go ahead with us, the Intended Parents.

It turns out I learned from Gail later that PB and her husband called her that afternoon after lunch and tol her that they wanted to go ahead with us as Intended Parents! LH and I discussed and had already decided Friday as well, but I didn't call Gail until Monday the 16th around 9 am to let her know our acceptance.

Later, Friday afternoon, I had my appointment at California Fertility Partners to do my testing, which inlcuded a blood draw and urine sample. They were going to do a toxicology work up, CBC, hepatitis B and C, HIV, among other tests. Anita, the nurse at CA Fertility Partners informed us that we did not need to leave another sperm deposit as the one from April was sufficient (we had been told earlier to expect to leave another sample). The results of the sperm tests showed a lower than average concentration, lower motility than average - 39%, but a larger than average volume, which made up for the lower concentration.

We spent the day Saturday in Hollywood visiting my sister and her family who were doin in LA for the day as well. We flew back into San Jose Saturday evening, and got to spend Sunday back at home. LH and I talked for a while on and off through out the weekend about PB, about in-vitro fertilization, about Growing Generations and the whole process.

On Monday, I called Gail, as I mentioned earlier and got the good news that PB and her husband wanted to go forward with us. Around 12:30pm I had a phone consult with Dr. Ringler from CA Fertilty Partners, since he was unavailable during our Friday visit. He walked through the procedures, and timelines during my call.

So now we wait for the test results, we wait for BR, the egg donor to be screened (she's the long pole, as her tests take 3 weeks to complete), and then we can go forward!

At least at this point in our journey, if feels like we're moving ahead, and quite quickly!

In Los Angeles

2004-08-12T21:45:00.000-07:00

LH and I flew to Los Angeles today in preparation for out meeting with the surrogate mother, PB, and her husband tomorrow.

In addition to the match meeting, we've also got a meeting with Stuart, the CEO of Operations at Growing Generations, a meeting with the Insurance agent, and a meeting at the fertility clinic, so that I can have some blood tests run as well as another genetic deposit.

We also got the donor agreement from Will Halm's office today to review, before it goes on to BR, the selected egg donor.

We spent the flight down from San Jose going back over both PB's profile and BR's profile. The excietment just grows in anticipation of tomorrow's match meeting!

Email and more Forms

2004-08-10T11:17:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I received an E-mail from Will Halm's legal offices. Will is one of the co-founders of Growing Generations. It contained copies of the retainer agreement and waivers of conflict of interest notices. There's a possible conflict of interest since Will represents us and Growing Generations, as well as Fertility Futures.

We signed the forms and faxed them back today. I'm sure there's lots more paperwork to go!

A Little Bit of Disappointment

2004-08-09T09:30:00.000-07:00

We had been warned by Emily at Fertility Futures that if we had found an egg donor profile we particularly liked, we should let her know immediately to prevent someone else from choosing her. There's a lot of competition in this industry apparently, and we found that out this weekend. Two of the five egg donors we were looking at were taken this past Friday. These two were our top two choices as well. So we started the search from the beginning again, and to our surprise we found a young lady we both really liked.

BR is caucasian, with a mixed European background. She has a large percentage of Italian heritage. She's fairly intelligent, and has very beautiful look to her, which LH calls a little bit on the exotic side. She has a little bit of everything in her background.

I called Emily this morning, and told her BR was our first choice, and she's going to contact BR to get her black out dates (the dates she's unavailable for injections/harvesting), and get her started on appointments for psychological and genetic screening.

So there was a little bit of disappointment this weekend, but it all works out in the end!

More calls from Growing Generations

2004-08-04T08:46:00.000-07:00

Yesterday, I got another call from Growing Generations, this one from Teo, who called to ask us to select a lawyer to represent us through the process. Will Halm, who is the co-founder of Growing Generations, represents about 99% of the clients of Growing Generations. Why buck a trend that's been successful? So I chose Will Halm as well.

I'm going to have sign a retainer and mail it back to them, and they're going to take the money for the retainer out of the trust account we've already set up with them with our initial retainer for Growing Generations.

I also got a call from Monica at Fertility Futures who was calling on behalf of Emily to see if we had any questions. We still haven't made a decision yet on the egg donor, but we will have to soon!

Match Meet Scheduled

2004-08-03T09:57:00.000-07:00

Yes! While we were on our trip to the family reunion, we got a call from Erica at Growing Generations confirming our match meet with PB and her husband. While we're Los Angeles next Friday, we've also got to meet with the insurance representative, and I've got an appointment with the fertility clinic for blood tests.

We also got a call from Emily at Fertility Futures, who recommended we have an egg donor selected by the time we meet with PB next Friday, and earlier if possible.

So, LH and I sat at the computer last night again going through profiles. We even discarded some of the ones we really liked originally. It's tough, as there's no perfect ideal candidate, since as I said earlier, none of the young ladies has a match with LH's ethnic background.

We're down to three candidates to choose from, and we're going to discuss them again tonight, and try to come up with a final tonight. It's a lot harder than I thought it would be to decide!

Still No Norwegian Match

2004-07-31T21:40:00.000-07:00

Emily got back to me Friday afternoon, but her search only came up with an egg donor with German ancestry. We may have to go with Northern European since we haven't found anyone specifically with Norwegian ancestry. Still waiting to hear from Erica about when the match meeting will be.

Meanwhile LH and I have had a busy weekend, attending a wedding, and a 50th anniversary tomorrow.

We got the call

2004-07-30T11:44:00.000-07:00

I had to start this blog today, because we're so far down the road now, I didn't want to lose any of these experiences. We got the call on Wednesday, July 28th from Growing Generations, letting us know they found a potential match for us for a surrogate mother. Mind you, this wasn' an immediate thing. We had previously met with Gail as I said in April, read through the materials, and signed a retainer agreement with Growing Generations. From there, there was lots of paperwork to do, including writing essay answers to personal questions about our motivations, desires, and thoughts on each other. We uploaded pictures, filled out forms, and spoke with insurance specialists. After all that we got placed on the waiting list. And we waited. We were told early on it was about a 1 - 2 month wait to hear about a match.

For us it was about 2 months. When I got the call on Wednesday from Erica, our case worker, I sort of froze. It was exciting and scary at the same time. We were moving forward. The first thing I did was call LH and tell him we were getting a fedex packet from Growing Generations the next day with information on our match. LH had lots of questions for me, none of which I could answer, since I hadn't seen the contents of the packet yet. The next day, the facilities guy at my company dropped off a fedex envelope at my desk around 11 in the morning. I tore into the envelope immediately and sat down and read about our possible match with a surrogate mother, located in Bakersfield, CA. I'll call her PB. It was fascinating to read about how she learned about Growing Generations and her expectations from the process. Gail had prepared us well, and she met the description that Gail said most surrogate mothers fit.

I still had some concerns though, but kept them to myself until after LH got to read the packet that evening. Afterwards I voiced my concern about making sure the PB's husband was aware that we were a gay couple, as they had a Hispanic background. As much as I hate stereotyping I was afraid that if they weren't aware they'd be surrogates for a gay couple there might be some problems with homophobia. I was also concerned about some medical issues and called AF, my sister-in-law, who's an ob-gyn. She was able to relieve my concerns, in that respect. That same day we also got an e-mail from Fertility Futures, the fertiltity clinic that Growing Generations uses, with login information for their egg donor database.

LH and I had already discussed the fact that I would be the biological father of the child we would have. There were a few reasons behind this, the primary one being that LH already had two biological children, while I had none. A secondary reason was that my parents were really looking forward to having biological grandchildren. My father is currently a stage 4 cancer patient, and it would be a wonderful present for him to be able to see his grandchild that's a child of mine in his lifetime.

Already armed with that decision, Thursday evening LH and I did our first egg donor search together, knowing that we were searching for an egg donor whose ethnic and racial make up would be closest to LH's. LH is mostly Norwegian in background, so at a minimum we were looking for Scandinavian/German background. We spent a couple of hours looking at biographies, photos and videos of various young ladies. We saved four profiles for future consideration and went to bed.

This morning, I woke up late, and a bit tired from all the excitement yesterday. I got into work about half an hour late. I still managed to call Erica and get LH on a conference line by 10 am. I discussed my concerns with her, and came up with a new one regarding selective reduction. Selective reduction is where you reduce the number of fetuses the mother is carrying, primarily for health reasons. LH and I had already decided it would be in the best interest of the baby(ies) we would be having to fetally reduce to twins at most if there's a multiple pregnancy. The reason for this is that most triplets and higher are born premature, and spend a long time in NICU, something I don't think we're prepared to deal with. I was concerned that PB, who listed herself as Catholic may not be as conducive to fetal reduction. Reading this you may think fetal reduction is a light decision. Trust me, it's not. I already know if I got asked to do this, it would be a difficult process, much less decision for me. I can think rationally about it now, but in the moment I know it'd be impossible to look at it rationally. Lastly LH brought up to Erica my concern about the blood type of the egg donor relative to my blood type. One of the egg donors we had looked at last night had a B- blood type. I have a B+ blood type. I had been concerned there may be blood type that's not a good match for me for having a child. For parents that are B- and B+, it turned out (from a web search) that the child could be B-, B+, O+ or O-.

Erica let us know that she'd research our questions and she'd get back to me with answers the same day. It turns out she called me back 5 minutes later. PB and her husband were indeed aware that they were working with a gay couple, Gail had spoken to PB about fetal reduction, and she preferred to fetal reduce to twins as well, and was willing to carry triplets if necessary. This addressed our concerns with the surrogate mother, so I asked Erica to arrange the match meeting. I'll know later today when that's scheduled for. On the other front about blood type, she got Emily from Fertility Futures on the line to speak with me . Emily said there wasn't any issue with blood types, but there would be genetic screening that would occur after we made a decision, but she did mention that many prospective parents choose based on blood type to ensure that the child and the parent had matching blood types. In my example, B- was a bad choice because the child could be a blood type where LH and I wouldn't be able to donate our blood to the child.

While I was speaking to Emily I mentioned to her some of the difficulties we had with doing an egg donor search the previous evening. I wasn't able to search specifically for those donors with a Norwegian background, one of things we were looking for. Emily said she'd do some searching herself and get back to me. She also asked me if there were any other criteria we were looking for, and I mentioned to her height, since LH is fairly tall as is most of his family. Standing at 6'1" to 6'2", he's quite a bit taller than my 5'8".

So now we wait to hear back from Erica about the match meeting, and Emily about other possible egg donor matches.

What's this all about?

2004-07-30T11:33:00.000-07:00

LH and I are a gay couple, we've been together for over 2 years. I wanted a way to chronicle our experiences as we go down the path to becoming parents. Helping us with our journey, is a firm called "Growing Generations" in Los Angeles. We contacted Growing Generations early 2004. Growing Generations is a surrogacy and egg donation firm, specializing in helping the gay and lesbian community to become parents. After reviewing their materials we met with Gail Taylor, one of the founders of Growing Generations in April of 2004.

LH and I discussed becoming parents for quite some time before we actually committed to the idea in April 2004. LH is an older gay man, having come out late in life after being married with two kids. When we met, LH had just turned 51 and had only been "out" as a gay man for about 5 years. I was 34 at the time, having self-identified as gay since I was in college. Although we are 16 years apart in age, we found that not only did we have a lot in common, but we were extremely comfortable with each other, filling in each other's lives effortlessly. Our goals were similar, and though LH wasn't originally planning on starting a second family, the idea was an obvious one for us as a couple.