I've been meaning to write about this for a while, at least since this year's election results. I mean wow. Just wow. What other response can you have for this year? I mean Barack Obama was re-elected president in a race many thought he would lose. All the state initiatives that supported gay marriage won, and those that were in opposition to gay marriage lost. Yesterday, both Washington and Maryland started issuing marriage licenses for gay couples. In Maine gay couples will be allowed to marry on December 29 because of their successful vote and in Minnesota a vote for an amendment to discriminate against gay marriage failed. Today, the Supreme Court has agreed to hear cases on Proposition 8 in California and on DOMA (Defense of Marriage Act). While many would have preferred that they decline to hear the Prop 8 case (thereby invalidating Prop 8 and allowing for gay marriage in California), it's still just another step forward.
As many of having been hailing it, this has been the year for marriage equality. So many thanks to all of you who voted for equality. I thank you and my family thanks you.
Friday, December 07, 2012
Tuesday, September 11, 2012
The New Normal
There's a lot of things I used to believe I wouldn't see in my lifetime. Things that have happened in my lifetime. As a child growing up in the 70's I never thought I would see the Berlin Wall fall, the U.S.S.R. dissolve, being openly gay in the military, an African American becoming president, and gay marriage (at least for a short time in California). This week, a new show premieres on NBC, called "The New Normal", a show about a gay couple that want to have a child through surrogacy. For those of you that may not have seen it, this isn't the first attempt to put surrogacy on prime time. Ming Na starred in a very short-lived series called "Inconceivable", a medical drama about a surrogacy firm, that helped gay couples become parents (patterned after the surrogacy firm we used).
"The New Normal" is supposed to be a comedy, which doesn't at first glance seem to bode well for such a serious topic. And the surprise here, for me anyway, is that the topic is the experience I've tried to document in this blog, about the process of becoming a parent as a gay couple. I was a little taken aback at how lightly some of the very serious topics were played in the pilot episode. It was a very heart wrenching process for us, to select an egg donor, and to have it played as joke just seemed wrong. I think also the Ellen Barkin character while, she does show how bigoted, homophobic, and racist people can be, isn't as funny as they want her to be, and I found too many of the scenes contrived just to show her as bigoted, homophobic or racist.
But the good news is by the second episode, they were able to breathe a little bit of life into the characters. They're still a little single dimensional, but it's improving, and I might actually like some of them by the third or fourth episode. The challenge will be to keep a mainstream audience interested for that long.
But as I said when I started this blog article, there are certain things I didn't think I'd see in my lifetime. A show that actually shows what I went through in my life to become a parent was certainly one of them.
"The New Normal" is supposed to be a comedy, which doesn't at first glance seem to bode well for such a serious topic. And the surprise here, for me anyway, is that the topic is the experience I've tried to document in this blog, about the process of becoming a parent as a gay couple. I was a little taken aback at how lightly some of the very serious topics were played in the pilot episode. It was a very heart wrenching process for us, to select an egg donor, and to have it played as joke just seemed wrong. I think also the Ellen Barkin character while, she does show how bigoted, homophobic, and racist people can be, isn't as funny as they want her to be, and I found too many of the scenes contrived just to show her as bigoted, homophobic or racist.
But the good news is by the second episode, they were able to breathe a little bit of life into the characters. They're still a little single dimensional, but it's improving, and I might actually like some of them by the third or fourth episode. The challenge will be to keep a mainstream audience interested for that long.
But as I said when I started this blog article, there are certain things I didn't think I'd see in my lifetime. A show that actually shows what I went through in my life to become a parent was certainly one of them.
Friday, April 27, 2012
Why be a parent?
As a gay man, I'm often asked why I would even want to be a parent in the first place. For me it's a simple answer. Something deep down inside me always knew I would be a parent. Partly it might have something to do with my cultural upbringing, but it was also innate, a part of me that I couldn't deny. After having our daughter it proved so true, that I couldn't have imagined a life without becoming a parent. That feeling was really hard to describe and explain, until I read this piece on Quora this week, "Why Do Some Humans Not Want Children?". Jonathan Brill, the author explains exactly why you shouldn't become a parent, but then explains all this is why he is a parent and how he wouldn't change it for the world. That's exactly the way I feel about my daughter too!
Thursday, January 19, 2012
Update: One Bank Gets It - Wells Fargo
After running into roadblock after roadblock on trying refinance our home in the post 2010 IRS tax publication 555 ruling, my mortgage broker finally came back with good news. It turns out Wells Fargo is much more progressive than other banks, and one alternative we have to refinance our house. It's sad because I've already spent close to $1,000 on refinance costs with another bank that I won't recoup if we have to switch banks to complete our refinance.
But here's the good news, in a letter Wells Fargo sent out to their loan agents:
At least one bank gets it.
But here's the good news, in a letter Wells Fargo sent out to their loan agents:
The IRS mandated effective with 2010 1040 returns that registered domestic partners must each report half the combined community income earned by the partners.
If you have a W2 wage earner borrower and the his/her domestic partner is not on the subject loan in order to use all of the W2 wages the borrower earned then the following documentation is required.
· Borrower’s 2010 1040 that supports 50% of W2 wages claimed and notation on the 1040 domestic partner claimed other 50% wages (If borrower has filed 2011, which I would be surprised as of this date, should include those along with the 2010).
· Operations will need to obtain the W2 from the IRS using the 4506-t in order to validate matches the W2 statement provided by the borrower.
· Operations still obtains the tax transcript and that should always match the 1040 (no difference in process with this step).
At least one bank gets it.
Wednesday, January 18, 2012
The Effect of Publication 555 from the IRS
The right wing often claims that gays get equal rights with laws around domestic partnership and civil unions, and they don't need marriage for equality. I've been battling a side effect of domestic partnership and civil unions laws which are supposed to take the place of being able to get married, and provide me with equal protection. But unfortunately of course they don't.
In particular the problem I'm facing is a side effect of Publication 555 from the IRS which I've written about before. I'm trying to refinance our primary home this month to take advantage of the low interest rates. But I'm running into an issue because of the way our 2010 tax returns look due to Publication 555 from the IRS. While its intent was good, in trying to make taxes look similar to what married couples have to do, it had the by-product of also making my income "look" smaller, essentially disqualifying me for a refinance. Married couples don't have this issue because they get to file their taxes using the category "married filing separately", a category that domestic partners aren't allowed to use.
It's an additional problem for us because we have our home titled in a trust. We do it this way because it's the only way to reduce the tax consequence of passing on a home if one of us should pass away. But due to marriage laws, only one of us is allowed to be named on the trust, unlike married couples where both parties can be on a living trust. So for us, I'm on the trust, and my domestic partner is the beneficiary. This way if I die first, my partner gets the property and the tax savings, and if he passes away first, then nothing changes and beneficiary of the trust becomes our daughter. But using a trust means the mortgage and property are only titled in my name rather than both of us. So doing a refinance in both our names to alleviate the 2010 reduced income tax return issue isn't really an option either.
Basically you're screwed financially if you can't get married, at least in trying to reduce your interest rate in a refi, and trying to get lower taxes on inheritance through a trust. Gay people can't have it both ways, while married people can.
In particular the problem I'm facing is a side effect of Publication 555 from the IRS which I've written about before. I'm trying to refinance our primary home this month to take advantage of the low interest rates. But I'm running into an issue because of the way our 2010 tax returns look due to Publication 555 from the IRS. While its intent was good, in trying to make taxes look similar to what married couples have to do, it had the by-product of also making my income "look" smaller, essentially disqualifying me for a refinance. Married couples don't have this issue because they get to file their taxes using the category "married filing separately", a category that domestic partners aren't allowed to use.
It's an additional problem for us because we have our home titled in a trust. We do it this way because it's the only way to reduce the tax consequence of passing on a home if one of us should pass away. But due to marriage laws, only one of us is allowed to be named on the trust, unlike married couples where both parties can be on a living trust. So for us, I'm on the trust, and my domestic partner is the beneficiary. This way if I die first, my partner gets the property and the tax savings, and if he passes away first, then nothing changes and beneficiary of the trust becomes our daughter. But using a trust means the mortgage and property are only titled in my name rather than both of us. So doing a refinance in both our names to alleviate the 2010 reduced income tax return issue isn't really an option either.
Basically you're screwed financially if you can't get married, at least in trying to reduce your interest rate in a refi, and trying to get lower taxes on inheritance through a trust. Gay people can't have it both ways, while married people can.
Thursday, May 26, 2011
The Worst Parent Ever
Sometimes, after reading posts to forums and articles on parenting, I can't help but wonder, "Am I the worst parent ever?". Let me give you some context. As I said in the previous blog post, we're concerned with the type of education our daughter is going to get going to a public school that has only mediocre ratings. So I spend some of my free time looking at real estate, and some time on real estate blogs. What amazes me about these blogs is the prevalence of posts talking about buying a home for the good school district. And in the Bay Area, where I live, how really you can only buy a home in Palo Alto, Los Altos, or Cupertino if you want a good school.
As you might have guessed, we don't live in any of those cities, nor is buying a home in any of those school districts on our short or long range plans. And so that's where the "worst parent ever" comes from. Sometimes I feel like I'm the only parent not scheming or trying to figure out a way to get my child in a Cupertino or Palo Alto school. And all those posts make it seem like some how I'm depriving my child by not sending her to one of these top tier schools.
That's when I have to remind myself, I went to a mediocre school, and I've had more successes in my life than most people I know, and that the school certainly didn't place any limitations on my achievements or my ability to succeed. But it's hard to keep that point of view in an overwhelming flood of opinion in the opposite direction.
As you might have guessed, we don't live in any of those cities, nor is buying a home in any of those school districts on our short or long range plans. And so that's where the "worst parent ever" comes from. Sometimes I feel like I'm the only parent not scheming or trying to figure out a way to get my child in a Cupertino or Palo Alto school. And all those posts make it seem like some how I'm depriving my child by not sending her to one of these top tier schools.
That's when I have to remind myself, I went to a mediocre school, and I've had more successes in my life than most people I know, and that the school certainly didn't place any limitations on my achievements or my ability to succeed. But it's hard to keep that point of view in an overwhelming flood of opinion in the opposite direction.
Friday, April 01, 2011
Finding The Right School
I always thought I'd be the type of parent that didn't care about what school my child attended, because we'd (the parents) be the ones that influenced our child and made sure she got the most out of school and learned everything she needed to, so we could make up for any deficit the school might have. This was especially true since I went to a so-so public school, and still managed to graduate near the top of my class, and go to a top notch college.
But reality is never as easy as what we idealize. For our daughter, we thought we'd send her to public school for kindergarten. But then California budget cuts struck, and the idea of sending our daughter to a school where the child to teacher ratio was 33 to 1 just didn't seem like a good idea, when just the year before it was only 20 to 1. So our daughter has spent her kindergarten year in a private elementary school. While we love the school, we don't love the cost of the tuition, and I really don't see us being able to sustain this through the rest of her academic years.
So in January we started looking at public schools and other alternatives again. With our severe disappointment in our home school (who failed to return any calls to us last year), I started looking into the open enrollment process, where you can apply for any school in the district. There were two obvious choices, the lottery schools which were top ranked, and in fact one is the top ranked elementary in the state of California. But we decided that one is way too competitive, and we didn't want our daughter growing up amidst that much competition to succeed. The other lottery school requires parent participation, 4 hours in the classroom during the work week.
So we started looking at the other elementary schools in the district that are close to our home. We found one that's relatively close, is smaller than typical, and still has 20 to 1 child to teacher ratios in 1st to 3rd grade. While its scores aren't the best, they are better than our home school, so we decided to target getting into this elementary school.
Last week, we got our acceptance letter, so it appears we've found a public elementary school for our daughter. But it's been a lot more work than I ever expected, and even then I'm still worried about the quality of the education she's going to receive. It's a surprise to me how much this matters to me, after I was so convinced it wouldn't make a difference.
But reality is never as easy as what we idealize. For our daughter, we thought we'd send her to public school for kindergarten. But then California budget cuts struck, and the idea of sending our daughter to a school where the child to teacher ratio was 33 to 1 just didn't seem like a good idea, when just the year before it was only 20 to 1. So our daughter has spent her kindergarten year in a private elementary school. While we love the school, we don't love the cost of the tuition, and I really don't see us being able to sustain this through the rest of her academic years.
So in January we started looking at public schools and other alternatives again. With our severe disappointment in our home school (who failed to return any calls to us last year), I started looking into the open enrollment process, where you can apply for any school in the district. There were two obvious choices, the lottery schools which were top ranked, and in fact one is the top ranked elementary in the state of California. But we decided that one is way too competitive, and we didn't want our daughter growing up amidst that much competition to succeed. The other lottery school requires parent participation, 4 hours in the classroom during the work week.
So we started looking at the other elementary schools in the district that are close to our home. We found one that's relatively close, is smaller than typical, and still has 20 to 1 child to teacher ratios in 1st to 3rd grade. While its scores aren't the best, they are better than our home school, so we decided to target getting into this elementary school.
Last week, we got our acceptance letter, so it appears we've found a public elementary school for our daughter. But it's been a lot more work than I ever expected, and even then I'm still worried about the quality of the education she's going to receive. It's a surprise to me how much this matters to me, after I was so convinced it wouldn't make a difference.
Monday, March 14, 2011
Getting It Wrong, When You're Right
The IRS did a good thing, when it decided to update Publication 555 that I talked about in my previous blog post. It meant another government institution was recognizing gay marriage, or at least registered domestic partnerships. The bad part about this is how late in the game they did this. The final update to this document came out on March 9, just a little over a month to go before the filing deadline of April 15, 2011.
The bad news for those of us in RDPs or same sex marriages is that many of us were waiting for this update to do our taxes, some because Intuit, maker of TurboTax asked us to because they were going to produce an update to TurboTax that would help us get our taxes done.
March 10, 2011 was the promised date of the TurboTax update. The R13 patch to TurboTax was released on March 9, 2011, a day early, claiming support for IRS publication 555. But in reality there wasn't any support, and an article on their support site pretty much told couples with investment income and rental property, they were out of luck with regards to TurboTax (after asking us to wait until March 10).
So TurboTax, has decided to leave us with no good options for getting our taxes done. It's too late to find a tax professional, as all of them will be booked, so the only alternative is to either hunker down and try to figure this out ourselves and do our taxes using pen and paper the old fashioned way, or file an extension and hope we can find a good professional to help us after the 15th of April.
The bad news for those of us in RDPs or same sex marriages is that many of us were waiting for this update to do our taxes, some because Intuit, maker of TurboTax asked us to because they were going to produce an update to TurboTax that would help us get our taxes done.
March 10, 2011 was the promised date of the TurboTax update. The R13 patch to TurboTax was released on March 9, 2011, a day early, claiming support for IRS publication 555. But in reality there wasn't any support, and an article on their support site pretty much told couples with investment income and rental property, they were out of luck with regards to TurboTax (after asking us to wait until March 10).
So TurboTax, has decided to leave us with no good options for getting our taxes done. It's too late to find a tax professional, as all of them will be booked, so the only alternative is to either hunker down and try to figure this out ourselves and do our taxes using pen and paper the old fashioned way, or file an extension and hope we can find a good professional to help us after the 15th of April.
Friday, January 14, 2011
IRS Publication 555
For those of you that might not yet have heard the news, the IRS has chosen to recognize domestic partnerships in the states that have legalized them and have community property laws, like the state of California where we live. They've also made their decision retroactive to 2007. For most people, this may not affect their taxes at all for the years 2007 to the present, but for some small group of people who are registered domestic partners, live in a community property state, and have disparate incomes between the two individuals in the partnership, this new ruling from the IRS may actually have a huge benefit.
The technical information can be found in the IRS publication 555. If you're using an automated program to do your taxes (like I am with Turbo Tax), you may have to wait to update your taxes. Specifically TurboTax claims the IRS is going to issue an update to 555, and they will issue their update after the new update from the IRS is published.
So what's the big benefit in 555? It allows you to allocate community property between the two partners on the tax return. For example wages is one form of income that can be split between partners. Let's take an imaginary couple, one that makes $10,000 a year and one that makes $100,000 is W-2 wages. Under the new ruling, each member of the partnership can record $55,000 in wages, equally splitting their incomes (and hopefully reducing the overall tax liability). That's good news for couples like ours. For now, I'm going to hold on and see what happens in this latest IRS update, and if TurboTax makes it easier to amend our returns. But if this affects you, you might want to talk to an accountant and see if you have any benefits from this ruling.
Disclaimer: I'm not an accountant, and you should verify all details with the IRS and your own accountant.
The technical information can be found in the IRS publication 555. If you're using an automated program to do your taxes (like I am with Turbo Tax), you may have to wait to update your taxes. Specifically TurboTax claims the IRS is going to issue an update to 555, and they will issue their update after the new update from the IRS is published.
So what's the big benefit in 555? It allows you to allocate community property between the two partners on the tax return. For example wages is one form of income that can be split between partners. Let's take an imaginary couple, one that makes $10,000 a year and one that makes $100,000 is W-2 wages. Under the new ruling, each member of the partnership can record $55,000 in wages, equally splitting their incomes (and hopefully reducing the overall tax liability). That's good news for couples like ours. For now, I'm going to hold on and see what happens in this latest IRS update, and if TurboTax makes it easier to amend our returns. But if this affects you, you might want to talk to an accountant and see if you have any benefits from this ruling.
Disclaimer: I'm not an accountant, and you should verify all details with the IRS and your own accountant.
Wednesday, September 22, 2010
The California Political Landscape
It's only September and I'm already beginning to get worried about the coming elections in November. As a gay man and a parent, I guess my family has special concerns about who is elected. We need to make sure our family remains protected and nothing harms our little girl. What I find incredible about the elections in California this fall are two Bay Area candidates, Meg Whitman and Carly Fiorina. Both have run Bay Area high tech companies, so you'd think they'd understand the need to be fair and equal; especially when it comes to the rights of LGBT citizens, given how many of them work and live in the Bay Area.
What's scary is both of them have such solidly anti-LGBT policies and stance. Both are against equality for marriage, which means they are against families like mine. As I've written in the past, my partner and I got married in California in the summer it was legal. Our daughter took part in our ceremony, and she still tells people we got married as a family. Anything that would make her think we can't be married would be devastating to her, and that's just what Meg Whitman and Carly Fiorina want.
That's why even though both these candidates may appear to be ideal because of their Bay Area background, their attempts to look mainstream are more scary than ever, as most mainstream citizens aren't going to realize how right-wing some of their views are. So I urge you, if you're reading this to *NOT* vote for Meg Whitman or Carly Fiorina. Instead vote for Jerry Brown and Barbara Boxer, both of whom support equality and would protect our family.
What's scary is both of them have such solidly anti-LGBT policies and stance. Both are against equality for marriage, which means they are against families like mine. As I've written in the past, my partner and I got married in California in the summer it was legal. Our daughter took part in our ceremony, and she still tells people we got married as a family. Anything that would make her think we can't be married would be devastating to her, and that's just what Meg Whitman and Carly Fiorina want.
That's why even though both these candidates may appear to be ideal because of their Bay Area background, their attempts to look mainstream are more scary than ever, as most mainstream citizens aren't going to realize how right-wing some of their views are. So I urge you, if you're reading this to *NOT* vote for Meg Whitman or Carly Fiorina. Instead vote for Jerry Brown and Barbara Boxer, both of whom support equality and would protect our family.
Friday, April 23, 2010
Still a Miracle
We do something every evening we probably need to get out of the habit of doing fairly soon. We let Lauren fall asleep in our bed and then move her to her own bed. I indulge her and by indulging her, I get to indulge myself. I let her sleep for a few hours while I check email, do some last minute clean up before bed. Then I walk into our bedroom, pick her up and move her to her own bed. Looking at her sleeping in my arms, is perhaps the best moment of the day. She looks perfect, I can see part of me in her, and I can see that's she's her own person. For that moment in time, I'm just carrying a small miracle. She's absolutely beautiful, at peace, and completely serene. I just think about how lucky I am to have her, and wonder how I had a life before her.
I see lately on TV a lot of shows that have somehow found gay parents as the topic du jour, but every show deals with how difficult it is is for gay couples to become parents and all the trials and tribulations they go through. In that respect I guess we were extremely lucky when we decided to have our daughter. While it was a significant drain on finances, everything we went through went incredibly smoothly. We didn't have a single problem or hiccup in our journey to become parents and for that I suppose I should be thankful.
I see lately on TV a lot of shows that have somehow found gay parents as the topic du jour, but every show deals with how difficult it is is for gay couples to become parents and all the trials and tribulations they go through. In that respect I guess we were extremely lucky when we decided to have our daughter. While it was a significant drain on finances, everything we went through went incredibly smoothly. We didn't have a single problem or hiccup in our journey to become parents and for that I suppose I should be thankful.
Friday, March 12, 2010
Being who you are
Lauren's in Junior Kindergarten now, and one of the benefits of being in that slightly older group (4 1/2 year olds to 5 year olds) is that they get to go on a lot of field trips. Just yesterday they took a field trip to the library, and recently they had a field trip to the planetarium. Lauren loves to go on field trips, and she keeps asking when I'm going to go on a field trip with her.
It's not that I don't want to go, in fact for her very first field trip to a pumpkin farm, I had signed up to go as a chaperone, but that trip got canceled after a major rain storm caused major puddles and flooding on the farm. I've tried to find time to chaperone another field trip, but with my change in job title recently (this past November), I'm finding myself committed to more meetings in the office than ever before, so it's hard to find a date that coincides with a field trip where I'm available. But I know this age isn't going to last forever, so I'm just going to have to cancel a few meetings and go on the next field trip (or the one after that).
For as long as I remember, people have come up to us and told us how beautiful Lauren is, or how pretty she is. It's gotten to the point if you ask Lauren, "Are you pretty?", or "Do you know you're beautiful?", she'll get a very weary and knowing look on her face, sigh and reply back, "I know I am". If you ask her why she's beautiful, she'll usually say something like, "It's because I have long hair". She's very attached to her long hair, and while it's a part of her I don't necessarily agree that it's what makes her beautiful. She refuses to let us cut her hair still, and she prefers to wear it long.
But recently she's let on to a little secret. Every once in a while, she'll ask me "why don't I have yellow hair?", or "I want yellow hair". I don't know why, but something in our society makes being blonde too much of an attraction. Even though I've told Lauren I love her dark hair, and it's the most beautiful thing I've ever seen since she was a baby (not to mention everyone else telling her how beautiful she is), somehow she still feels it's not enough and she needs blonde hair. I just hope all my reinforcement of how wonderful her own hair is, will make her realize she's special just the way she is.
It's not that I don't want to go, in fact for her very first field trip to a pumpkin farm, I had signed up to go as a chaperone, but that trip got canceled after a major rain storm caused major puddles and flooding on the farm. I've tried to find time to chaperone another field trip, but with my change in job title recently (this past November), I'm finding myself committed to more meetings in the office than ever before, so it's hard to find a date that coincides with a field trip where I'm available. But I know this age isn't going to last forever, so I'm just going to have to cancel a few meetings and go on the next field trip (or the one after that).
For as long as I remember, people have come up to us and told us how beautiful Lauren is, or how pretty she is. It's gotten to the point if you ask Lauren, "Are you pretty?", or "Do you know you're beautiful?", she'll get a very weary and knowing look on her face, sigh and reply back, "I know I am". If you ask her why she's beautiful, she'll usually say something like, "It's because I have long hair". She's very attached to her long hair, and while it's a part of her I don't necessarily agree that it's what makes her beautiful. She refuses to let us cut her hair still, and she prefers to wear it long.
But recently she's let on to a little secret. Every once in a while, she'll ask me "why don't I have yellow hair?", or "I want yellow hair". I don't know why, but something in our society makes being blonde too much of an attraction. Even though I've told Lauren I love her dark hair, and it's the most beautiful thing I've ever seen since she was a baby (not to mention everyone else telling her how beautiful she is), somehow she still feels it's not enough and she needs blonde hair. I just hope all my reinforcement of how wonderful her own hair is, will make her realize she's special just the way she is.
Friday, December 04, 2009
Honor Thy Parents
Being the child of immigrants who came to the US when I was only 2 years old, I've always had strong ties to the country I was born in, Taiwan. When we had our daughter, I always knew I wanted her to have the same strong ties, even if only half her heritage comes from Taiwan. Ever since Lauren was born, my mother and I talked about taking a trip to Taiwan together, partly to show Lauren her roots, and partly to to show off my new progeny to my extended family. We even planned an entire trip, but my mom's cancer took a turn for the worse just before we had to leave. As it turned out the trip never happened, and my mom passed away when Lauren was only 3 and half. When I lost my mom, I told myself, I was going to make the trip to Taiwan with Lauren for my mom, for Lauren and for myself.
The opportunity finally presented itself over this past Thanksgiving break. I was able to find discount airfare, a decent hotel, and able to take the time off from work. I planned a short trip, only a week, to keep costs down, and to not be a burden on too many relatives for too long when we were in Taiwan. The last time I had been to Taiwan was before Lauren was born, so it's been a little while since I had seen many of my relatives. I knew many of them were getting on in age, and that was another reason to go. But to my surprise, everyone looked good, their health seemed to be pretty good, and I was able to catch up with and see everyone that I wanted to.
Lauren had a good time, as one of my aunts made sure that our days were filled with activities that would keep her occupied and interested. I think I met my goal of making her interested in her heritage and country of ancestry. The trip was a wonderful experience full of love, warmth and family. I'm sorry my mom missed it, but I know she'd be happy we went.
The opportunity finally presented itself over this past Thanksgiving break. I was able to find discount airfare, a decent hotel, and able to take the time off from work. I planned a short trip, only a week, to keep costs down, and to not be a burden on too many relatives for too long when we were in Taiwan. The last time I had been to Taiwan was before Lauren was born, so it's been a little while since I had seen many of my relatives. I knew many of them were getting on in age, and that was another reason to go. But to my surprise, everyone looked good, their health seemed to be pretty good, and I was able to catch up with and see everyone that I wanted to.
Lauren had a good time, as one of my aunts made sure that our days were filled with activities that would keep her occupied and interested. I think I met my goal of making her interested in her heritage and country of ancestry. The trip was a wonderful experience full of love, warmth and family. I'm sorry my mom missed it, but I know she'd be happy we went.
Monday, October 26, 2009
The End of an Era
Today, Geocities will be closing down for good. It's a sad day because I associate Geocities with the start of the Internet for the public. It was really the first place where people hosted their own websites. Started in 1994, I think I had an account sometime in 1995, and hosted my own web page there. It was a convenient place to store files in the Internet, and in the early days of online dating it was an easy place to point people to, in order to find a picture of yours truly.
Fast forward to the present, and if you were lucky enough to check out my Geocities page today before it goes offline, you'd see I haven't updated the page since 2005. It still shows the house were were living in, when Lauren was born, and of course we've moved twice since then. So in some sense Geocities didn't keep up with me either, as I moved on to blogging, and blogging turned out to be an easier way to keep people up to date on our activities than maintaining an entire website. Kodak Gallery and other photo sites made it easier to post pictures.
All I can say is Rest In Peace Geocities.
Fast forward to the present, and if you were lucky enough to check out my Geocities page today before it goes offline, you'd see I haven't updated the page since 2005. It still shows the house were were living in, when Lauren was born, and of course we've moved twice since then. So in some sense Geocities didn't keep up with me either, as I moved on to blogging, and blogging turned out to be an easier way to keep people up to date on our activities than maintaining an entire website. Kodak Gallery and other photo sites made it easier to post pictures.
All I can say is Rest In Peace Geocities.
Tuesday, May 26, 2009
Prop 8 Stands, But We're Still Married...
The California State Supreme Court ruled this morning that Prop 8 (the voter approved initiative that banned gay marriage) would stand, but that the 18,000+ couples that got married before the initiative took effect would stay married. While this news is disappointing, it's at least a relief to our family, that I'm spared explaining to our almost 4 year old daughter why a court could take away our marriage.
This morning while we were getting ready for school, Lauren was listening to her Story Reader, which was reading a Disney Princess book to her. While she was listening, I asked her if she wanted to get married when she was bigger, like the princess in the story. Her response was "We already got married, I don't need to get married again". Yes, we told her we were getting married, and she was a large part of our wedding, so she considers our family "married". I'll wait till she's older before I explain the distinction to her. For now, I'm content that we're still a family and we're still "married".
This morning while we were getting ready for school, Lauren was listening to her Story Reader, which was reading a Disney Princess book to her. While she was listening, I asked her if she wanted to get married when she was bigger, like the princess in the story. Her response was "We already got married, I don't need to get married again". Yes, we told her we were getting married, and she was a large part of our wedding, so she considers our family "married". I'll wait till she's older before I explain the distinction to her. For now, I'm content that we're still a family and we're still "married".
Wednesday, May 20, 2009
Taxable Fringe Benefit
Most people aren't aware of this, so I thought I'd do a little write up on one of the issues that same-sex partners face with regards to health care. I work in California for a public company, which means they have to provide families like mine with the option of buying health insurance for the whole family. That means like other married opposite sex partner families, I can buy health insurance for my partner and for our daughter. California has rights for same-sex couples to make this possible.
The issue comes about because the federal government doesn't recognize same-sex partners. Because of this, when a company, like mine, contributes towards the payment of health insurance to cover my partner, it becomes a taxable fringe benefit. It gets even worse if we decide to cover my daughter under the same policy. Why is that? Her coverage no longer gets considered in the taxable fringe benefit scenario.
Let me explain this with an example. Say my company pays $300 per month for my health insurance. For me to add my daughter, the company would then pay $500 for what's called a family plan. Because she's my daughter, there's no taxable fringe benefit involved (as both the federal and state governments recognize your child as yours). But if I were to add my husband, the company would still pay $500 per month, as there's no difference between covering 1 family member or many. But the effect on my taxes is significant. The entire amount between $500 and $300 (the $200 difference) is computed as a taxable fringe benefit on my paystub. There's no allowance for the fact my daughter is also paid under this difference. What's the actual impact to the bottom line? The extra $200 shows up as extra pay, so my gross income goes up by the $200 per month, increasing the amount I owe in taxes.
Because of this discrepancy we've chosen for me to cover just my daughter and myself under my health plan, and for my husband to pay for his own because the taxable fringe benefit actually costs us more in taxes than it would for him to buy his own insurance. This is added cost over what any opposite sex partner family would have to pay for their health insurance.
If that's not enough, it gets even worse. My company uses a system called ClearBenefits, which works with ADP, a national payroll processing company. The two companies together haven't figured out how to handle domestic partnerships or same-sex marriages. Because I'm listed as having a domestic partnership/same-sex marriage, this information is automatically transferred from ClearBenefits to ADP. And because I purchase health insurance on a family plan for my daughter (but not my husband) this information (that I'm in a domestic partnership) also gets automatically transferred between ClearBenefits and ADP. The side effect of this is that ADP kept adding taxable fringe benefit (because of the domestic partnership) on my health insurance on my pay check, even though they weren't supposed to (since we weren't getting insurance for my husband, just my daughter).
I'd complain every paycheck and they'd remove it, and then it'd show up again, and I'd have to complain again. This has happened two years in a row (after each benefit selection period), and it's happened for 4 months in a row. I think this paycheck for the most recent period was one of the first I didn't have an issue, so I'm keeping my fingers crossed. If you fall into this specific scenario I'm talking about, take a close look on your paystub and make sure you don't have TFB.
The issue comes about because the federal government doesn't recognize same-sex partners. Because of this, when a company, like mine, contributes towards the payment of health insurance to cover my partner, it becomes a taxable fringe benefit. It gets even worse if we decide to cover my daughter under the same policy. Why is that? Her coverage no longer gets considered in the taxable fringe benefit scenario.
Let me explain this with an example. Say my company pays $300 per month for my health insurance. For me to add my daughter, the company would then pay $500 for what's called a family plan. Because she's my daughter, there's no taxable fringe benefit involved (as both the federal and state governments recognize your child as yours). But if I were to add my husband, the company would still pay $500 per month, as there's no difference between covering 1 family member or many. But the effect on my taxes is significant. The entire amount between $500 and $300 (the $200 difference) is computed as a taxable fringe benefit on my paystub. There's no allowance for the fact my daughter is also paid under this difference. What's the actual impact to the bottom line? The extra $200 shows up as extra pay, so my gross income goes up by the $200 per month, increasing the amount I owe in taxes.
Because of this discrepancy we've chosen for me to cover just my daughter and myself under my health plan, and for my husband to pay for his own because the taxable fringe benefit actually costs us more in taxes than it would for him to buy his own insurance. This is added cost over what any opposite sex partner family would have to pay for their health insurance.
If that's not enough, it gets even worse. My company uses a system called ClearBenefits, which works with ADP, a national payroll processing company. The two companies together haven't figured out how to handle domestic partnerships or same-sex marriages. Because I'm listed as having a domestic partnership/same-sex marriage, this information is automatically transferred from ClearBenefits to ADP. And because I purchase health insurance on a family plan for my daughter (but not my husband) this information (that I'm in a domestic partnership) also gets automatically transferred between ClearBenefits and ADP. The side effect of this is that ADP kept adding taxable fringe benefit (because of the domestic partnership) on my health insurance on my pay check, even though they weren't supposed to (since we weren't getting insurance for my husband, just my daughter).
I'd complain every paycheck and they'd remove it, and then it'd show up again, and I'd have to complain again. This has happened two years in a row (after each benefit selection period), and it's happened for 4 months in a row. I think this paycheck for the most recent period was one of the first I didn't have an issue, so I'm keeping my fingers crossed. If you fall into this specific scenario I'm talking about, take a close look on your paystub and make sure you don't have TFB.
Tuesday, April 07, 2009
Vermont Passes Gay Marriage
Wow. Wow. Wow. I guess that's all I can say. Wow. First Iowa this week, and now Vermont has legalized same sex marriage. What a week. All we need is announcement from the California Supreme Court, and I'll have had one of the best weeks ever. Today's news that the Vermont House and Senate overrode the Governor's veto on the same sex marriage bill was a surprise to me, as I had previously read that not enough House members voted for the original bill to override a promised veto from the Governor. But, five legislators changed their vote (or actually voted this time), and overrode the Governor's veto.
While this week's victories have little effect on our day to day lives right now, I know they will have significant impact over the long haul on our daughter Lauren's life. It will mean less ridicule from other kids as she gets older, it means she won't feel so different going to school, and it means more acceptance and tolerance for us as a family when we travel and even as we go about our day to day activities. Lauren may not understand what it all means now, but she will soon enough. She's lucky that right now, when some says to her "I wish I had two daddies" (this actually happened to us at Ikea!), her immediate response is "I know" in a very matter of fact way. I know we can only protect her from the real world for so long, and I'm glad the real world is getting to be a more tolerant place.
While this week's victories have little effect on our day to day lives right now, I know they will have significant impact over the long haul on our daughter Lauren's life. It will mean less ridicule from other kids as she gets older, it means she won't feel so different going to school, and it means more acceptance and tolerance for us as a family when we travel and even as we go about our day to day activities. Lauren may not understand what it all means now, but she will soon enough. She's lucky that right now, when some says to her "I wish I had two daddies" (this actually happened to us at Ikea!), her immediate response is "I know" in a very matter of fact way. I know we can only protect her from the real world for so long, and I'm glad the real world is getting to be a more tolerant place.
Friday, April 03, 2009
New Hope - Iowa, Vermont and Sweden
Iowa joined Massachusetts and Connecticut as the third state in the U.S. to allow same sex marriage after their Supreme Court struck down a decade old ban. Vermont's House and Senate voted on a gay marriage bill this week as well, sending it to Governor Jim Davis, who unfortunately has said he will veto the bill. Although not part of the U.S. there was also heartening news from Sweden where gay marriage will become legal on May 1 of this year. There was dark news as well this week, as the foes of same sex marriage already said they will seek to put a referendum to the voters of Iowa to ban same sex marriage.
Those of us in California continue to wait on the Supreme Court here to rule on the challenge to Proposition 8. The Supreme Court must make a ruling by early June. So we wait patiently keeping our fingers crossed, our hearts lightened by good news in other parts of the country and the world.
Those of us in California continue to wait on the Supreme Court here to rule on the challenge to Proposition 8. The Supreme Court must make a ruling by early June. So we wait patiently keeping our fingers crossed, our hearts lightened by good news in other parts of the country and the world.
Sunday, March 29, 2009
Finding trouble with the Immigration Laws
In case you didn't see this 8asians post on outdated immigration laws affecting kids of gay parents, it's a good reminder as to why defeating Prop 8 in California was so important. Every gay family is affected by Prop 8, and having Prop 8 pass was just a reminder to the kids of gay families that their family is less important and has less rights than other families. Outdated immigration laws that split families that have been together for 23 years is the worst offense, a problem that's not solved by overturning Prop 8, but one we need to be aware of. I don't think of myself as an activist, but strangely enough today, I received an email saying everyone that blogs is an activist, so I hope this touches someone today.
Monday, March 16, 2009
Beating the Clock
When we decided to have Lauren, we knew we were fighting one variable that we wouldn't have any control over, and that was time. I was already the younger of the two of us, and I wanted to have my first child before I turned 36. I didn't quite make it, having Lauren just before I turned 38. The big reason for this battle with time was partly selfish, which is the desire to be there for all the important events in her life, her graduation from high school, college, her wedding, etc.
With my partner Lars, we always knew it would be bigger fight with time as he was already 54 when we had Lauren, but I kept telling myself, plenty of other fathers were older when they had their children, and I just didn't think about it. With Lauren turning four soon, we've been having a lot more conversations with her, and I find myself overhearing conversations Lars is having with her that surprise me.
Just the other day he said to her "I'm going to be there for you up through middle school and I'll try my best to be there for high school, but honey, I might just be in the old folks home by then." I had to stop and think about it, and I realized that by the time Lauren graduated high school Lars would be over 70 years old. For both Lauren and Lars, I hope we get to beat the clock.
With my partner Lars, we always knew it would be bigger fight with time as he was already 54 when we had Lauren, but I kept telling myself, plenty of other fathers were older when they had their children, and I just didn't think about it. With Lauren turning four soon, we've been having a lot more conversations with her, and I find myself overhearing conversations Lars is having with her that surprise me.
Just the other day he said to her "I'm going to be there for you up through middle school and I'll try my best to be there for high school, but honey, I might just be in the old folks home by then." I had to stop and think about it, and I realized that by the time Lauren graduated high school Lars would be over 70 years old. For both Lauren and Lars, I hope we get to beat the clock.
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