Emily got back to me Friday afternoon, but her search only came up with an egg donor with German ancestry. We may have to go with Northern European since we haven't found anyone specifically with Norwegian ancestry. Still waiting to hear from Erica about when the match meeting will be.
Meanwhile LH and I have had a busy weekend, attending a wedding, and a 50th anniversary tomorrow.
Saturday, July 31, 2004
Friday, July 30, 2004
We got the call
I had to start this blog today, because we're so far down the road now, I didn't want to lose any of these experiences. We got the call on Wednesday, July 28th from Growing Generations, letting us know they found a potential match for us for a surrogate mother. Mind you, this wasn' an immediate thing. We had previously met with Gail as I said in April, read through the materials, and signed a retainer agreement with Growing Generations. From there, there was lots of paperwork to do, including writing essay answers to personal questions about our motivations, desires, and thoughts on each other. We uploaded pictures, filled out forms, and spoke with insurance specialists. After all that we got placed on the waiting list. And we waited. We were told early on it was about a 1 - 2 month wait to hear about a match.
For us it was about 2 months. When I got the call on Wednesday from Erica, our case worker, I sort of froze. It was exciting and scary at the same time. We were moving forward. The first thing I did was call LH and tell him we were getting a fedex packet from Growing Generations the next day with information on our match. LH had lots of questions for me, none of which I could answer, since I hadn't seen the contents of the packet yet. The next day, the facilities guy at my company dropped off a fedex envelope at my desk around 11 in the morning. I tore into the envelope immediately and sat down and read about our possible match with a surrogate mother, located in Bakersfield, CA. I'll call her PB. It was fascinating to read about how she learned about Growing Generations and her expectations from the process. Gail had prepared us well, and she met the description that Gail said most surrogate mothers fit.
I still had some concerns though, but kept them to myself until after LH got to read the packet that evening. Afterwards I voiced my concern about making sure the PB's husband was aware that we were a gay couple, as they had a Hispanic background. As much as I hate stereotyping I was afraid that if they weren't aware they'd be surrogates for a gay couple there might be some problems with homophobia. I was also concerned about some medical issues and called AF, my sister-in-law, who's an ob-gyn. She was able to relieve my concerns, in that respect. That same day we also got an e-mail from Fertility Futures, the fertiltity clinic that Growing Generations uses, with login information for their egg donor database.
LH and I had already discussed the fact that I would be the biological father of the child we would have. There were a few reasons behind this, the primary one being that LH already had two biological children, while I had none. A secondary reason was that my parents were really looking forward to having biological grandchildren. My father is currently a stage 4 cancer patient, and it would be a wonderful present for him to be able to see his grandchild that's a child of mine in his lifetime.
Already armed with that decision, Thursday evening LH and I did our first egg donor search together, knowing that we were searching for an egg donor whose ethnic and racial make up would be closest to LH's. LH is mostly Norwegian in background, so at a minimum we were looking for Scandinavian/German background. We spent a couple of hours looking at biographies, photos and videos of various young ladies. We saved four profiles for future consideration and went to bed.
This morning, I woke up late, and a bit tired from all the excitement yesterday. I got into work about half an hour late. I still managed to call Erica and get LH on a conference line by 10 am. I discussed my concerns with her, and came up with a new one regarding selective reduction. Selective reduction is where you reduce the number of fetuses the mother is carrying, primarily for health reasons. LH and I had already decided it would be in the best interest of the baby(ies) we would be having to fetally reduce to twins at most if there's a multiple pregnancy. The reason for this is that most triplets and higher are born premature, and spend a long time in NICU, something I don't think we're prepared to deal with. I was concerned that PB, who listed herself as Catholic may not be as conducive to fetal reduction. Reading this you may think fetal reduction is a light decision. Trust me, it's not. I already know if I got asked to do this, it would be a difficult process, much less decision for me. I can think rationally about it now, but in the moment I know it'd be impossible to look at it rationally. Lastly LH brought up to Erica my concern about the blood type of the egg donor relative to my blood type. One of the egg donors we had looked at last night had a B- blood type. I have a B+ blood type. I had been concerned there may be blood type that's not a good match for me for having a child. For parents that are B- and B+, it turned out (from a web search) that the child could be B-, B+, O+ or O-.
Erica let us know that she'd research our questions and she'd get back to me with answers the same day. It turns out she called me back 5 minutes later. PB and her husband were indeed aware that they were working with a gay couple, Gail had spoken to PB about fetal reduction, and she preferred to fetal reduce to twins as well, and was willing to carry triplets if necessary. This addressed our concerns with the surrogate mother, so I asked Erica to arrange the match meeting. I'll know later today when that's scheduled for. On the other front about blood type, she got Emily from Fertility Futures on the line to speak with me . Emily said there wasn't any issue with blood types, but there would be genetic screening that would occur after we made a decision, but she did mention that many prospective parents choose based on blood type to ensure that the child and the parent had matching blood types. In my example, B- was a bad choice because the child could be a blood type where LH and I wouldn't be able to donate our blood to the child.
While I was speaking to Emily I mentioned to her some of the difficulties we had with doing an egg donor search the previous evening. I wasn't able to search specifically for those donors with a Norwegian background, one of things we were looking for. Emily said she'd do some searching herself and get back to me. She also asked me if there were any other criteria we were looking for, and I mentioned to her height, since LH is fairly tall as is most of his family. Standing at 6'1" to 6'2", he's quite a bit taller than my 5'8".
So now we wait to hear back from Erica about the match meeting, and Emily about other possible egg donor matches.
For us it was about 2 months. When I got the call on Wednesday from Erica, our case worker, I sort of froze. It was exciting and scary at the same time. We were moving forward. The first thing I did was call LH and tell him we were getting a fedex packet from Growing Generations the next day with information on our match. LH had lots of questions for me, none of which I could answer, since I hadn't seen the contents of the packet yet. The next day, the facilities guy at my company dropped off a fedex envelope at my desk around 11 in the morning. I tore into the envelope immediately and sat down and read about our possible match with a surrogate mother, located in Bakersfield, CA. I'll call her PB. It was fascinating to read about how she learned about Growing Generations and her expectations from the process. Gail had prepared us well, and she met the description that Gail said most surrogate mothers fit.
I still had some concerns though, but kept them to myself until after LH got to read the packet that evening. Afterwards I voiced my concern about making sure the PB's husband was aware that we were a gay couple, as they had a Hispanic background. As much as I hate stereotyping I was afraid that if they weren't aware they'd be surrogates for a gay couple there might be some problems with homophobia. I was also concerned about some medical issues and called AF, my sister-in-law, who's an ob-gyn. She was able to relieve my concerns, in that respect. That same day we also got an e-mail from Fertility Futures, the fertiltity clinic that Growing Generations uses, with login information for their egg donor database.
LH and I had already discussed the fact that I would be the biological father of the child we would have. There were a few reasons behind this, the primary one being that LH already had two biological children, while I had none. A secondary reason was that my parents were really looking forward to having biological grandchildren. My father is currently a stage 4 cancer patient, and it would be a wonderful present for him to be able to see his grandchild that's a child of mine in his lifetime.
Already armed with that decision, Thursday evening LH and I did our first egg donor search together, knowing that we were searching for an egg donor whose ethnic and racial make up would be closest to LH's. LH is mostly Norwegian in background, so at a minimum we were looking for Scandinavian/German background. We spent a couple of hours looking at biographies, photos and videos of various young ladies. We saved four profiles for future consideration and went to bed.
This morning, I woke up late, and a bit tired from all the excitement yesterday. I got into work about half an hour late. I still managed to call Erica and get LH on a conference line by 10 am. I discussed my concerns with her, and came up with a new one regarding selective reduction. Selective reduction is where you reduce the number of fetuses the mother is carrying, primarily for health reasons. LH and I had already decided it would be in the best interest of the baby(ies) we would be having to fetally reduce to twins at most if there's a multiple pregnancy. The reason for this is that most triplets and higher are born premature, and spend a long time in NICU, something I don't think we're prepared to deal with. I was concerned that PB, who listed herself as Catholic may not be as conducive to fetal reduction. Reading this you may think fetal reduction is a light decision. Trust me, it's not. I already know if I got asked to do this, it would be a difficult process, much less decision for me. I can think rationally about it now, but in the moment I know it'd be impossible to look at it rationally. Lastly LH brought up to Erica my concern about the blood type of the egg donor relative to my blood type. One of the egg donors we had looked at last night had a B- blood type. I have a B+ blood type. I had been concerned there may be blood type that's not a good match for me for having a child. For parents that are B- and B+, it turned out (from a web search) that the child could be B-, B+, O+ or O-.
Erica let us know that she'd research our questions and she'd get back to me with answers the same day. It turns out she called me back 5 minutes later. PB and her husband were indeed aware that they were working with a gay couple, Gail had spoken to PB about fetal reduction, and she preferred to fetal reduce to twins as well, and was willing to carry triplets if necessary. This addressed our concerns with the surrogate mother, so I asked Erica to arrange the match meeting. I'll know later today when that's scheduled for. On the other front about blood type, she got Emily from Fertility Futures on the line to speak with me . Emily said there wasn't any issue with blood types, but there would be genetic screening that would occur after we made a decision, but she did mention that many prospective parents choose based on blood type to ensure that the child and the parent had matching blood types. In my example, B- was a bad choice because the child could be a blood type where LH and I wouldn't be able to donate our blood to the child.
While I was speaking to Emily I mentioned to her some of the difficulties we had with doing an egg donor search the previous evening. I wasn't able to search specifically for those donors with a Norwegian background, one of things we were looking for. Emily said she'd do some searching herself and get back to me. She also asked me if there were any other criteria we were looking for, and I mentioned to her height, since LH is fairly tall as is most of his family. Standing at 6'1" to 6'2", he's quite a bit taller than my 5'8".
So now we wait to hear back from Erica about the match meeting, and Emily about other possible egg donor matches.
What's this all about?
LH and I are a gay couple, we've been together for over 2 years. I wanted a way to chronicle our experiences as we go down the path to becoming parents. Helping us with our journey, is a firm called "Growing Generations" in Los Angeles. We contacted Growing Generations early 2004. Growing Generations is a surrogacy and egg donation firm, specializing in helping the gay and lesbian community to become parents. After reviewing their materials we met with Gail Taylor, one of the founders of Growing Generations in April of 2004.
LH and I discussed becoming parents for quite some time before we actually committed to the idea in April 2004. LH is an older gay man, having come out late in life after being married with two kids. When we met, LH had just turned 51 and had only been "out" as a gay man for about 5 years. I was 34 at the time, having self-identified as gay since I was in college. Although we are 16 years apart in age, we found that not only did we have a lot in common, but we were extremely comfortable with each other, filling in each other's lives effortlessly. Our goals were similar, and though LH wasn't originally planning on starting a second family, the idea was an obvious one for us as a couple.
LH and I discussed becoming parents for quite some time before we actually committed to the idea in April 2004. LH is an older gay man, having come out late in life after being married with two kids. When we met, LH had just turned 51 and had only been "out" as a gay man for about 5 years. I was 34 at the time, having self-identified as gay since I was in college. Although we are 16 years apart in age, we found that not only did we have a lot in common, but we were extremely comfortable with each other, filling in each other's lives effortlessly. Our goals were similar, and though LH wasn't originally planning on starting a second family, the idea was an obvious one for us as a couple.
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